Update.....

I have been a horrible blogger lately....

I knew September would be a busy month, but it's been crazy busy and I just do not have any time anymore. And when I do have time, I'm so tired that I either fall asleep on the couch or go to bed early.

I've been trying to keep up on reading, some days it works other days it doesn't.

I have gone through another two months, and I have my period. Again.
I still have very double feelings about all of this.....I don't want my period, but I'm glad I have it at the same time. I don't know what to do about this feeling. Should I stop trying to get pregnant or not? Will this feeling ever go away. I do want another baby. Most of the time.
I feel horrible for thinking like this.

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I've been having a couple of hard weeks. I find myself near tears most days lately and I haven't figured out why.

My youngest son is turning 6 soon. It's making me realize that he should have been a big brother by now and he's not. Well, he is. But his little brother is not with us....

Thursday is All Saint's Day. It's a day I've been dreading. I have ordered pretty flowers for Dylan's grave. It will be the first All Saint's Day on which we will remember Dylan.
It's not that I don't think about him every day, or that I don't wish things had gone differently every day, but All Saint's Day is a special day.

Previous years it's been a day for the whole family to gather at the cemetery and visit my grandparents, great-grandparents, an aunt......and then spend the rest of the day with the family, my cousins, uncles and aunts.
This year we will spend the morning at Dylan's grave and then go see my family.
Part of me just wants to skip Thursday.

Are these things making me sad? I don't know. I think so.
But I also just think that it's one of those moments. One of those moments in which I remember what was, what should have been and what is not.
I miss Dylan. More than ever.