Vacation

First of all, thank you everyone for your support the past few days.

I cried when I read all of your comments. They were beautiful.
We are processing what has happened, but it will take a while....

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I feel like I'm in some kind of bad dream. Living the bad dream of losing another pregnancy.

Logically, intellectually, I know that many women have miscarriages. Anything before 12 weeks is not really that abnormal.

But why this is happening to us, I don't know.

I have two healthy boys. Their pregnancies were nothing special, just normal pregnancies with nothing out of the ordinary. (except gestational diabetes with X, but not serious and I was fine once he was born)
It's trying to have a third baby that is proving to be difficult.

An ectopic pregnancy.
Losing Dylan at 22 weeks to a Listeria infection.
A chemical pregnancy in February 2013.
A 10 week (technically 9 week) miscarriage in August 2013.

Looking at this list makes it all the more real.
Looking at this list makes me wonder who or what is so against us having a third child.

I don't feel like I'm in a place yet to give up. Neither does T. And neither does my doc.

Lots of women have miscarriages and get pregnant fast afterwards.
Lets hope I'm one of those women.
Let the practicing begin I guess.....

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We're leaving for vacation tonight. We have a 1300 km drive ahead of us. 

But then we'll be camping in beautiful Croatia for the next two weeks.

I have decided to enjoy this vacation to the fullest. Enjoy time with the boys. Not having to do anything. Only doing what we feel like doing. 

T and I need this time. The past few days have been hard on both of us. And we've been fighting a lot. About nothing really, but I am just in a bad place and tend to take it out on him. I feel horrible about it and I know I shouldn't do it because he is also mourning. He was with me when we found out and he was with me on Friday in the hospital..... He is a wonderful man and I need to not take out my anger on him. 

That's my resolution for vacation. Not to fight. Not to get angry. Process the loss and enjoy what we have today. We don't know what the future holds, but after this much crap, I have to believe it can only get better.

So, I'll be away for two weeks, living in a tent, no laptop, no internet.....

I hope everyone has a wonderful two weeks and I'll be catching up on all your blogs when we get back!!
xx

Home

I'm home.
D&C was this morning at 8. I was awake again at 8:45.

I ended up miscarrying naturally last night. I had cramps from HELL. Felt like contractions. Went to the bathroom, lost the placenta. Ten minutes and more cramps later, I lost the fetus.

That was scary as hell.

I'll spare you the details, but it was very obvious when I lost the fetus. I had no idea a 9 week fetus could look so much like a baby.....

We took both the placenta and fetus to the hospital this morning to get tested.

I was still cramping this morning and losing big blood clots so after an ultrasound, my doc decided to do the D&C after all. We're leaving for vacation Sunday night (we have not cancelled that. The boys deserve their vacation. And T and I need it.) and she did not want me to have a bleed in a foreign country.

No more cramps now and almost no more bleeding.

I will spend the rest of the day on the sofa now. Trying to process this.......

It's over

It's over. 

No heartbeat. 

I miscarried approximately a week ago. (measured 9w4d. I should have been 10w5d)

D&C tomorrow morning.