As a child, I loved Christmas. Absolutely LOVED it.
My mom grew up in Germany, I spent many years celebrating Christmas there. In Germany, Christmas is celebrated for 3 days straight.
As a teenager, I lived in Switzerland and Christmas there was also wonderful. Snow, a wonderful winter wonderland.....
When I moved back home to Belgium, I tried to make Christmas special each year. But people only celebrate 2 days here and then they go back to work as if nothing happened. Snow is also a rare thing here at Christmas and it's one of the things I miss most.
Today it's windy, raining and 10 degrees. Not really a winter wonderland.
All these little things aside, I still loved Christmas and we always celebrated it with family.
After losing Dylan, things changed.
Christmas has become a chore. Something we have to do because it is expected of us.
I realize that I can not just not celebrate. We have 2 wonderful boys who deserve a wonderful holiday filled with family, love, presents....the whole deal.
But it's hard. I put up the tree a couple of weeks ago in the hope of creating some Christmas spirit, but even today I'm still struggling.
I wish things were different. I wish Dylan were here. It was supposed to be his second Christmas already.
I wish I hadn't had the miscarriage this summer. I was supposed to be almost 8 months pregnant.
I don't know where we're going, what we are going to do.
Some days I think we should just give up and love our boys and live our lives as we are. Some days I wish for nothing more that to be pregnant and have another baby.
Next month it will have been two years since we lost our precious angel. I don't expect things to get better, easier before then.
I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. Filled with joy, love, family, friends.....
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
