I've been away.....

I've been away..... Not sure when it happened or why. But I've not been on my blog in a long time.
In the past few weeks I've been thinking about writing again, so here I am....

Not sure where to start, with what to start.....

Since I was last here, things have changed.

I think I, we, have made the decision to stop trying for another baby. It's been on my mind for a while now and it took me months to dare to even utter a word about it to hubby. But I eventually did a couple of weeks ago. And with so many things, I didn't really have to tell him. He knew. He knows me so well that he had figured this was what I had been thinking about.

Let me explain.
I turned 38 this summer. Not so young any more.
I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving boys who are almost 8 and 10.
I' m scared shitless of getting pregnant again.
In total I've lost our beautiful boy Dylan at 22 weeks pregnancy. Had 1 ectopic. 1 chemical pregnancy. 2 miscarriages, one at 10 weeks last year in August and one at 8 weeks last February. (yes, after my last post on here, I was pregnant. Had 1 u/s which was good and then started bleeding a week or so later and lost it.)
And a very selfish thing which has been on my mind: do I really want to go back to the baby-time? We can do so much with our boys, take them places, they can be very independent at times..... Do I want to go back and not be able to do all of that again?
And even more selfish: do I want to do that again to my body? I am finally at a point where I am happy-ish about my body again. I'd maybe like to lose 5 kg, but all in all I'm ok with myself now.

Writing this down now, for the first time ever, I feel selfish and stupid. Are these really my reasons? Really?

Right after our miscarriage in February, I told hubby I wanted to try again, see a specialist, do it all to get pregnant again. He asked me if I was sure. Asked me how many of these losses I was willing to go through again.
I never went to a specialist.
When we were intimate, I made sure it's NOT in a time of my cycle when I could get pregnant. At first I did this unconsciously. But I realized pretty soon what I was doing and why.
This got me thinking. I spent a long time being very conflicted about it all. Not telling anyone what I was feeling or thinking.

I needed this time. I needed to get there on my own. I needed to get over the need to get pregnant and have that baby we've wanted for such a long time.

I'll be honest, there are still moments in which I think that I do want to try again. But these moments, these thoughts, have become less strong and I have them less often.
Yes, when I see pregnant women I still think it. When I see, or especially when I hold babies, I still think it. I think I'll always have that, no matter what.
BUT, I really do think the time has passed for me, for us.

My best friend asked me about trying a while ago. I finally told I thought we were probably done. She understands, she gets it.
She's the one who had her third daughter (totally unplanned) last year. Though she loves her daughter and wouldn't have it any other way, she is having a hard time. Having a baby when you're older is harder. And she also has two kids in elementary school. It's exhausting, hard work and I don't think she has much me-time any more at all.
Not that this is the only reason I'm done. But I see it and I guess I'm being selfish that way.

The biggest reason is I'm scared. I won't deny that.

Scared of a miscarriage. Scared of an ectopic. Scared of losing another baby at 22 weeks. Scared of doing genetic screening and finding out something is not right. Scared of being pregnant for 9 months and panicking every step of the way.

I know too much. I know, have experienced, what can go wrong.
During my first two pregnancies I was naive, unknowing, or better said ignorant.
Now I know. And knowing is frightening.

So I'm done. We're done.

We have 2 healthy, beautiful, thriving boys. This is our family. This is what our family will remain.

Dylan will always be part of us. I haven't forgotten, I haven't stopped wishing he were here.
But no baby can replace Dylan.

Writing this post is making me feel sad. But also relieved. Maybe this is the final step I have to take. Maybe this is making my decision real.
So yes, I am sad that we're done. But I think this is best for us. For me. For my hubby. For our family.


(sorry if this post is a bit all over the place. I guess writing it all down wasn't as easy and structured as I thought it would be.....)