Capture Your Grief - October 2013

I don't think I heard about this last year, but I saw it last week, and knew right away that I wanted to participate.

Carly Marie is hosting a Photo Challenge this October for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Please go visit her blog if you want to read more about it:

Capture Your Grief - October 2013

I will most probably not manage the whole month. But I will try to do a lot of them.
I think it's a nice way to honor our lost little boy.....

Some happy stuff

This morning I realized I have not written about our wedding on my blog.....

We have been engaged for 9 months now and I was always hesitant to start planning something because I do still believe I could be pregnant any month.....

Anyway, while we were on vacation, I made up my mind and said I want to be married this year.

So, we are getting married on November 16th, 2013!!

We will have a small ceremony at the town hall and then have a nice, cozy dinner with our families and best friends.

I'll buy myself a pretty dress, but it won't be white or long. So not a very traditional wedding, but I actually kind of like that idea.

We bought rings two weeks ago which made it all very real. In a good way!

I'm kind of excited about the big day. Although I'm sure I won't be as nervous as some other brides I know. :-)
The boys are excited about us getting married, which is very cute.

I can't wait to finally be married, although it won't change anything between T and I. Except that he'll finally be my husband!!

lately.....

I haven't been blogging much lately.
I don't really know why. I open my blog every day and read everyone's posts. But I guess I just don't have a lot to say lately....

I'm doing ok. Sad at times that we are here again. Sad that I should have been approaching 18 weeks by now, but I am not.

There is a girl at work who is pregnant. I haven't been able to talk to her. She's starting to show. I'm pretty convinced that she is about as far along as I should have been. It has made it impossible for me to approach her. I feel horrible that I can't talk to her, but I'm afraid I'll get upset.
There's another girl also pregnant, only 7 weeks. She's told everyone because she's so excited because she's had a lot of miscarriages and she's never gotten this far. I get it, but I so hope for her that everything works out.
I had told some people at work because I was almost 10 weeks, and it also still happened.

Argh, some days I just wish I could will myself to be pregnant. Will it to all be alright. Other days I think we should just give up. But I know, deep down, that if we stop trying now, I'll always be sad about not having the brother or sister we've wanted for so long for the boys.....

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On a different note, I've noticed that Elizabeth at Bébé Suisse's blog is empty. Does anyone know if she has stopped blogging?

Day One

That's where we are.
My period showed up late last night. 38 days after my miscarriage.

Day one it is then......

Long overdue.....

This post is so overdue.....

We have been back from vacation for over 2 weeks. I've been catching up on reading blogs, but just have not had the time or energy to post myself.

Where to start.....

Vacation was wonderful. We left 3 days after my miscarriage, both with a heavy heart. But we made the best of it, and after a few days away, started enjoying ourselves.
Vacation was exactly what we needed. We both had the time to process our loss. I think if we would have been at home, it would have been harder. But somehow being away helped.

I saw my doc when we got back. She wasn't able to give us a reason why it happened. She had warned me about this, but I was still hopeful she would find something. On the good side, there were no chromosomal issues. At least I know that. And no virus or anything like that. An unexplained loss.
I don't always know what to do with that information. On the one hand, I know I didn't do anything wrong, or catch some virus and there was no trisomy involved. On the other hand, we don't know if it might happen again.....

So we are back where we started. Trying. Again.

Right now I'm waiting for my period. Which I think I should have gotten a couple of days ago. I think I ovulated right at the end of vacation, now 15 days ago. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant again but I just wish my period would show up already!

Here are some pictures of our beautiful vacation:

Croatia is a beautiful country!! We've been there twice now and will go back for sure....

As for now, I'm trying to hold on to this vacation-feeling..... But with work and school starting again and the boys and their busy schedules it's not as easy as I hoped.....
I guess I'll just have to look forward to my next vacation!