Green light

Went back to see my gynecologist tonight.
We got the green light to start trying again.

What we will do with this still needs to be talked about, still needs to be decided.
I'm taking the pill for now. Just started my third strip. Maybe it will be my last for a while. Maybe I'll take it a while longer.

It's almost been 3 months since we lost Dylan.

We have survived this. As a couple. As a family.
But I don't know if we're ready to try again. I don't know if we'll ever be 100% ready. Or if I'll ever be 100% ready.
Maybe I just need to jump in, fears and all.....

When and why

I don't know when it happened. Or how come.

Through this whole experience, I have discovered that some people are way better friends than I ever thought. I've known some of these people for a long time, others I've only known for a few years. But they have all been there for me. And they are still here. They call me, text me, ask me how I'm doing, ask to meet up, go to the gym with me..... They have noticed that I'm doing better, that I'm getting through it and am becoming me again, but they haven't stopped being there.

There is 1 person who has always been there. One person whom I have known for 23 years. My best friend.
She was there after Dylan was born, she came to see me in the hospital.
In the days and weeks afterwards, she called me every day to check up on me.
At some point in the last weeks, or months, she stopped calling me. She stopped asking me how I am.
I can't tell you when the last time was that we talked on the phone. We used to call each other at least 3 times per week.

We had a girls' day a few weeks ago, me, my BF and another good friend.
It was a fun day, but it felt very forced. I felt as if we didn't have anything to say to each other.
During dinner, the friend asked me what the future will hold for me. I said that we want to try again to have a baby. She smiled and said "good for you". My BF also smiled, but her reaction was very held back.

When I was trying to get pregnant, with Dylan and the year before, I felt that my BF didn't really support our decision. She used to tell me that the age difference would be too big between L and the baby (L was 3 when I was trying the first time, he turned 5 when I was pregnant with Dylan).
When I was pregnant and had the ectopic, she was there for me.
We tried for a year to get pregnant with Dylan. At one point I told her that we were having problems getting pregnant and that we had an appointment to get T's sperm checked and get a test to see if my tubes weren't blocked.
Her answer was to laugh and say "there's nothing wrong with you, you have 2 kids. You just need to have sex more often, you'll get pregnant."
I ended up getting pregnant after sperm test and before my test. So there was nothing wrong with us.
But that doesn't make her answer ok. It's not because I have 2 children that nothing could go wrong, or be wrong with either me or T.

I don't know if any of this has anything to do with us not really talking anymore.
I don't think she supports me getting pregnant again. I think she is one of those people who thinks we should be happy with our boys and not try again.
I don't know why we're not talking anymore. We didn't have a fight. We didn't even have a disagreement.

I am sad that I have the feeling that I'm losing her. I don't want to lose her.
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to confront her.
She is X's godmother and I am her oldest daughter's godmother. So I know that we will see other at some point. But I am so afraid of how forced that will be.

Maybe I'm imagining things.
Maybe we're just at different places in our lives and need a break.

me and my weight

I have been what-I-think-of as kinda skinny most of my life.
I am not really tiny by any means (trust me, I know some women who are almost disgustingly tiny!).
But I have always been pretty good at keeping my weight under control.
I have fit into a size 36 or 38 most of my adult life and have always had a nice B or small C cup.
All in all I have been pretty ok with my body most of the time.

I have gone from about 56 kilos 15 years ago to about 60 kilos a year ago. Not including my 2 pregnancies with the boys. Even after those pregnancies, I have managed to get my weight back down and fit into all of my old clothes again.
Now I weigh 70 kilos. I can not seem to get that number down on the scale.
I go to the gym three times per week and go swimming once every week. I'm following the Herba.life program with shakes for breakfast and lunch and eating healthy dinners.
You would think that I would have at least lost some weight, no?! Well, no. It still says 70 kilos on the scale.

I have been pregnant 4 times in the past 9 years.
I gained 17 and 20 kilos during the boys' pregnancies. (Pregancy # 3 was ectopic, was only 8 weeks, so didn't really gain any weight then. Pregnancy # 4 ended at 22 weeks. I had gained 14 kilos.)
I always fit into my 36 size pants again. So I was never too worried about a couple of kilos extra the past few years.

I am writing down the numbers so I can maybe finally get them out of my head.
I know I shouldn't focus on the weight. Exercising 4 times per week should make me lose weight, and if not weight, I should be becoming more toned.
I've lost 3 cm on my tummy. 3 cm on each of my thighs, 2 cm on my hips and 1 cm on each arm.
My fat percentage was 35.2 % 3 weeks ago!!! A week later it was already down to 34.9 %. So it seems to be working. If slowly.
I'm noticing some changes.
I can wear my white jeans (size 38). They're tight, but I can wear them and breathe, so that's a good thing.
I can get my all-time favorite jeans up all the way (couldn't even get them halfway up my thighs a month ago). Can't close them yet, but almost.
I have 1 pair of jeans, size 36, non-strechy fabric, very nice pants, were always on the tight side. That's my goal. Being able to wear those again.

Ok, enough of the whining about my weight.

I cleaned up my closet today.
I packed all the maternity stuff and put it in the attic. Don't know why I waited so long to do it.
Although I'm happy I finally did it, and I'm happy I'm starting to fit back into my clothes, part of me hopes to do the opposite again soon.

Absent

I've been a little absent on my blog.....

A lot has to do with me just being really busy, and passing out on the couch a lot of evenings.
The boys are still on easter break, we've been trying to do lots of fun things together and succeeding most days.
T has this week off, which is really nice. It's nice to all be home together and to just spend some time together.

T and I are taking the boys to my cousins house tonight so we can have some time to ourselves.
We need a night together. I feel as if we've been living next to each other the past few weeks. He was working, I was busy with the kids and the house.....but those aren't valid excuses.
So, I told him we need to go do something together. (we went to a concert a couple of weeks ago, but you can't really talk much during a rock concert :-))

So, tonight we are going to the sauna. We'll have a nice dinner there, relax in all the beautiful sauna's and just spend some quality time together.
(I had to push myself to go. I'm still not happy with the way my body looks. But, I've been pretty good with my diet and I'm starting to fit into my smaller sized pants, so it's working. I will try and not be self-concious all night and just enjoy it.)

I'm looking forward to tonight.

I need to whine a bit

I know some of you reading this may not get it, so I'll warn you now.
This is a post about my kids. And I'm going to whine about them.


So, here I go.
It's easter vacation here. For 2 weeks.
The boys are happy it's vacation. I'm happy to spend some quality time with them.
If only it were that easy.

Today we stayed at home.
(had a bit of a hard night, L had a croup attack during the night, I panicked, took him to the ER. It was better after an aerosol but I didn't get much sleep)
They watched a movie this morning. The fighting and arguing had already started because they couldn't compromise on a movie.
We picked out what we wanted to have for dinner from X's children's cookbook. I figured if I'd let him have a say in it, he would actually eat without first whining that he doesn't like the food for 30 minutes.

And then came the fun part. Going to the grocery store with them. I HATE going to the grocery store with the boys. With 1 of them it's fine, no problem. But taking both of them is always stressful for me.

They fight about who can push the shopping cart. They fight about who holds the note. They don't listen to me. they run away from me. They go through almost all aisles saying "can I have this? I want this. We never get anything!"
Fun. NOT.

I'll admit that I think part of the problem is me. I just have no idea how to fix it. How to get them to listen to me. I threaten with taking away the tv, the nintendo.... They don't seem to care. They often can't watch tv or play nintendo because they haven't listened, but they still haven't learned their lessons.

I now just walk away, leave them in an aisle, let them sulk alone. They always come back.
Oh, I feel like a horrible mother after writing that!

Is it the age? Are they testing me?
Has the whole situation changed them?

We try so hard to give them the attention they need. But sometimes they can just make me get so angry with them when they are not listening to me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boys. I love them more than anything.
But they can be so exhausting!