Capture Your Grief - Day 28. Special Place

Day 28. Spacial Place

Dylan's grave. His special place. Our special place. My special place.

These are the flowers on his grave the day we had his memorial service.

Capture Your Grief - Day 27. Sings

Day 27. Signs

I wasn't sure what I wanted to post today.

Pictures like this, taken in Croatia this summer, make me smile.

Pictures like this make me think of my angel, but not in a sad way.

Capture Your Grief - Day 24. Artwork

Day 24. Artwork

"For my little brother"
My youngest son made this for Dylan at school when we lost him. We put this in his grave along with the urn.
It still brings tears to my eyes.....

Capture Your Grief - Day 23. Tattoos/Jewelry

Day 23. Jewelry

I got this bracelet from some friends on Dylan's due date. It has three hearts on it, one for each of my boys.
And an extra heart without a name......for if we have another baby.....

Day 23. Tattoos

I don't have a tattoo. Yet.
I've always said I wanted one of Dylan's feet tattoo'd on my wrist. I haven't been courageous enough to actually do it.....But someday I will.

Capture Your Grief - Day 21. Honor

Day 21. Honor

We let these balloons go on the one year mark of losing Dylan.

4 balloons. 1 for each of us. We each wrote a message for Dylan. And then we went to the cemetery and let the balloons go. They went straight up into the clouds, up to Dylan....

The boys were with us that day. They still talk about the day we sent balloons to Dylan.....

Capture Your Grief - Day 20. Hope

Day 20. Hope

Hope.

I think we all hope for that rainbow baby.

I was close this summer. Having that miscarriage was hard. I thought I had gone through enough and would be spared another loss.

Here we are yet again trying for our rainbow baby. I have no idea if we will ever have what we have wanted for so long.....

I took this picture a couple of months after we lost Dylan. It was the most beautiful rainbow ever. It gave me hope. It made me hope that good things do still happen.....

Capture Your Grief - Day 19. Support

Day 19. Support

Day 19. Support

I couldn't decide which picture to post.... 

I had lots and lots of support after we lost Dylan. My mom, my family, friends.....They were all there for me. They called me, spent time with me, got me out of the house..... Since January 2012, I know who my friends, real friends, are. 

Having said this, I don't know if I would have gotten through that period if I didn't have my boys. I don't know if my friends and family would have been enough. I like to believe they would have been, but I'm not sure.

My boys got me through it.

At first I functioned on automatic pilot. I had to get up and get dressed in the morning because I had to go pick them up from school. I had to go grocery shopping because I had to feed my kids. A lot of the things I did, I did because I had no other choice. 

If I would not have had the boys, I think I would have spent days, weeks, even months in bed or on the sofa. There would have been no reason to get up, take a shower, get dressed, eat.....

My boys saved me. I'm forever grateful for that. 

They never knew that just by being there, just by going back to normal, as kids do, they saved me.

** note **

I know a lot of you out there have experienced a loss and don't/didn't have living children. I don't want to make this sound as if one isn't able to get through it alone. I know a lot of you have. 

This is a very personal feeling. It is a feeling I have, an opinion I have concerning only me.

Capture Your Grief - Day 18. Release

Day 18. Release

(18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?)

Anger, sadness, fear..... I can't shake most of these feelings....
Anger because it happened.
Sadness because I lost a child and no one should know what the feels like.
Fear for it happening again. Fear for something happening to my loved ones.

What if's. What if Dylan hadn't died. What if I hadn't caught listeria. What if we would have had three living children today......

All of this has changed me. I have always worried about loved ones. I worry so much more now. I know bad things can happen. I know there isn't always a happy end.

Sometimes I wish so hard that I would still be the person I was before.
Some days I know, realize, that all of this has made me a stronger person.
Still, I am not able to not be scared, not be sad, not be angry, not wonder....

Capture Your Grief - Day 17. Time

Day 17. Time

It's been 1 year, 8 months and 17 days.

The 2-year mark will be here soon.

Will it get easier with each year? Will it ever not be painful? Will it ever not make me sad?

Capture Your Grief - Day 16. Seasons

Day 16. Seasons

We lost Dylan on January 31st.
While I was in the hospital it snowed. The day we had the memorial service and buried Dylan's ashes, there was snow on the ground.
Snow will always remind me of Dylan.

I grew up in Switzerland. I love snow. I think winters aren't complete without snow.

I still love the snow, but it now brings back a lot more than the beautiful winters growing up. It now makes me remember the week I spent in the hospital after I lost Dylan.

I'll never forget the night it started snowing. I stood at the window in my hospital room looking outside. I remember thinking how beautiful it was. How beautiful it was for Dylan.
I cried while staring at the snowing falling and making everything white. I was very sad that day, but even then, I could see the beauty in it all......

Capture Your Grief - Day 15. Wave Of Light

Day 15. Wave Of Light

This is a candle we lit every day for months after we lost Dylan.

I love this picture. I love the thought of everyone lighting a candle tonight.
There's a candle burning right now here, for Dylan, for all the angles.

Capture Your Grief - Day 14. Family

Day 14. Family

My boys. My family. 

This picture was taken by me in the summer 2012, 6 months after we lost Dylan. 

Capture Your Grief - Catchup

I was away for a few days, and even though I don't want to post pictures for all the days I missed, there are some I do want to share....

Day 5. Memory

We used this picture for a little card we made for Dylan's memorial service. 

This is a sad and happy memory at the same time. Sad yes, but I love this picture.....

Day 6. Ritual

Dylan's grave. I go almost every week. Usually alone. Sometimes only for a few minutes, sometimes I stay for half an hour...... It's my time, my ritual.

Day 7. Me now

This is not a picture of me. But it's a picture taken during our summer vacation. 

It's a picture which look peaceful to me. Kind of how I feel....

I'm still sad, yes, but I have found some kind of peace of mind and am able to live my life again and enjoy watching the boys grow up....

Capture Your Grief - Day 10. Beliefs

Day 10. Beliefs

                             

I am not a religious person. 

I do not know what I believe happens after we die. 

We have told the boys that their little brother is a star in the heavens watching over them. 

Wherever we are, the boys will look up into the sky and say "look mom, Dylan is also here!" This both makes me smile and cry...

Capture Your Grief - Day 9. Music

We played this song at Dylan's memorial service.

I love this song. It has now become his song. I listen to it often, sometimes with tears in my eyes, sometimes with a smile.....

Capture Your Grief - Day 8. Color

Day 8. Color

This beautiful rose is part of my blog.

White roses are for my angel. I have put many white roses on his grave. White roses are not sad flowers. I never wanted sad flowers. I wanted something beautiful, simple, serene....

Mini-vacation

I am leaving very early tomorrow morning for a mini-vacation with some girlfriends.

We're flying to Barcelona for 4 days.

Part of me is really excited because I know it'll be a great weekend.
The other part of me is terrified. I don't like to fly. I haven't flown in almost 9 years. It freaks me out big time. And the fact that I'm leaving my kids behind is making it even harder.

I'm counting on being really tired so I'll fall asleep and not realize I'm on a plane. We're being picked up at 4:30 in the morning, well night really, so I will not be rested.

On top of me freaking out, I got my period today. So yeah, the freak out is not being helped by my hormones....
I have a feeling my cycles are messed up. My cycle was only 26 days this month, which is very short for me. I'm usually around 29-30 days. My body is still healing I think.....


And in other big news, my best friend just texted me that she thought labour was starting and was going into the hospital. Of course she would have this baby when I am in a different country!

You may remember that I had a really hard time with the fact that she was pregnant some months ago. We even went a long time without talking..... But we ended up having a very good, long, hard talk a few months back. I realized how much I had missed her and wanted her around. She felt the same way.
I was finally able get a handle on it all and we have become close again. I might even dare to say we're closer now than we ever were.
Yes, seeing her pregnant still makes me jealous. But I am happy for her. And I will be happy to hold that tiny little baby in my arms next week. It will be painful at the same time. But I love babies. None of this has changed that.


I have to go to bed. My alarm clock will go off in only a couple of hours.....

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 2. Identity

Day 2. Identity

Dylan. His name. 

This was the temporary name plate on his grave. 

In a way we were lucky. I was a little over 22 weeks pregnant when we lost Dylan. This meant that by Belgian law, it was a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. This meant that Dylan was registered at the commune. We had to give him a name, we had to have a funeral.

Officially, I have three children. 

Today that means a lot to me. 

My son has an identity. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 1. Sunrise

Day 1. Sunrise

This picture was taken on our way to Croatia this summer.
I had fallen asleep in the car and woke up somewhere in Germany to this sunrise.

This was 3 days after my loss in August. One and a half years after we lost Dylan.

My grief for losing Dylan is very real. Even today, it still feels like yesterday. I would do anything to go back and have one more day pregnant with him. To be able to say goodbye.

My loss in August was heartbreaking. I think I was able to cope with it somehow. Though some days are worse than others. Nothing is comparable to the loss we suffered with Dylan. Maybe that's why I was able to handle this the way I did.....


I posted this picture on Instagram today.
I never went public about losing Dylan on FB or anywhere else. Of course my friends, family and colleagues knew. But I chose to "ignore" the fact on FB. I think I may have posted a picture or two of a candle we burned for Dylan or a flower we left on his grave..... But I never "admitted" what the picture was of. And I think only a few people realized what I was doing.

Today, I decided to post the picture on Instagram. Including a caption.
Maybe friends will notice and ask me about them.....Maybe not.