Two years ago today

Two years ago today, I was pregnant. Pregnant with a 22-week belly. Very happily pregnant. 

Two years ago today, I had no idea. I had no idea about the horrible thing which was happening in my body. 

Two years ago today, I was at work. It was a Monday. A Monday like so many of them in the past. I left work at 5 and was convinced I would be back in the morning. 

Two years ago today, I was a different person. I don't know if she'll ever be back. 

Two years ago today, my children had no idea how hard life can be. 

Two years ago today, I had never thought I would have to tell my children their little brother had died. 

Two years ago today, I had no idea how many women have lost children. I am still astounded at the number of babies that die each year. Though I wish this unto no-one, I am glad this community is here. 

Two years ago today, we were happy. 

Two years ago tomorrow, our lives were turned upside down. 

I wish tomorrow never happened. I wish I could skip tomorrow. I wonder what it would be like if things had been different.

 

Feelings

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now. But part of me has been hesitant to do it because when the words are written down, maybe it becomes real.

I have been in a weird place for a while now. I don't know when it started, or why, I just know I've been feeling like this for a while now.

I am not sure I still want to get pregnant and have another baby.

There. I said it.
The one thing I've been thinking but haven't yet dared to say.

I don't feel this way all the time.
When I read blogs about pregnancies and babies I think "I want that too".
When I see friends and colleagues who are pregnant, or when I see their babies and get to hold them, I want nothing more that to keep going and get pregnant.

But some days, when I have had a busy week or day driving my ever growing children around, I think that maybe we should just leave it the way it is. Maybe we should be happy with the family we have and just move on.
I don't know if I can handle another baby. Along with my kids.

But then I see something on tv or in a magazine and I change my mind again.

Same goes with my period.
The days before I'm supposed to get my period, I alternate between hoping I won't get it and hoping I'll get it.
When I get my period I feel relieved. And then I feel sad.

This month has been weird by the way. My period was due Monday. Tuesday I felt crampy all day but no bleeding. Some light spotting at night. Today, Wednesday, still a bit crampy but still no real bleeding, just some spotting and some clots when I go to the bathroom.
Not sure what to think about it. I don't feel pregnant. Maybe I should test though to be sure....

Maybe all of this was caused by the holidays.
Next week Friday it will have been 2 years since we lost Dylan.
Maybe it's me not feeling completely like me because I'm still grieving, or grieving again. I don't know. I wish I could make up my mind about it all.

The thing is, being pregnant scares me. When I was pregnant with the boys, it was all beautiful and wonderful without a lot to worry about. I had never experienced any different.
But since having my youngest son, I've had an ectopic, lost Dylan and had a 10-week miscarriage. I'm not sure I could handle losing another pregnancy. Both mentally and physically.

I'm also not getting any younger. Though I'm not sure that's an issue.
I saw a picture of G.wen S.tefani today, very pregnant. She's 44. Seeing that makes me think me being 37 shouldn't be an issue.

I haven't told anyone I'm feeling like this, even my hubby.
I guess I though these feelings would pass and there's no need to tell him. Except the feelings haven't passed. They've stayed.