November is over.
November was a difficult month.
Looking back now, I should have known. I should have known that the first of November, All Saint's Day, was going to be the start of a difficult period.
All Saint's was hard. I knew it would be. I did not realize that the rest of the month and the month(s) afterwards would also be this hard.
L's birthday caught me off guard. I had no idea I would find it so hard for him to have his 6th birthday. It made me realize that he is not my baby anymore. And worse, I do not have the baby here as I was supposed to....
My colleague's pregnancy made the month even harder. Logically, I still want to be happy for her. Logically, I know that she has gone through several failed IUI's and deserves this pregnancy, this baby. Emotionally, it's much more difficult for me to be happy for her... Emotionally, I find myself thinking that maybe things will go wrong and she won't be pregnant any more one of these days. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking those thoughts, and it's taken me a while to even dare to write them, but I need to get the thought out of my head. So on the blog it is.
(A side note: she is about 8 weeks now and has already told lots of people at work, even posted about her pregnancy on facebook and she's made christmas cards announcing the pregnancy. It bothers me. I keep wanting to ask her if she hasn't learned that things can go wrong. That maybe she shouldn't tell everyone yet. She's so confident that nothing could happen. Some days, I'm so annoyed I barely talk to her....)
Today is the first of December.
Not much better than November.
December means Christmas and New Year's and family holidays.
Other years I look forward to Christmas, I love Christmas. But not this year. This year I want to skip the holidays. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like decorating the house or setting up the tree or go gift shopping.
Last year I told everyone I was pregnant in November. By the end of the month I was showing and unable to hide my growing belly.
Last year we made Christmas cards with pictures of the boys and my pregnant belly.
Last year we celebrated Christmas believing we would have a baby 6 months later. There were even some small presents for the baby.
New Year's was wonderful because it meant the new year had started. The new year in which we would have another baby. The new year in which X and L would become big brothers (again).
None of that happened.
Instead, we had to bury a child. A baby who never got a chance. A brother for my boys whom they never got to know.
Most days have some reminder of last year. Of my growing belly last year, of our plans and our beautiful future....
I know there will still be many difficult moments in the coming weeks and months. January will not be a better month. Probably worse even.
I wish I could just go to bed and not wake up until some time in February. I don't know if it would make me feel any better, but it would mean not having to get through the next weeks .....
We are approaching January 31st. That day will be here before I know it.
It's a day I am dreading. It's the day we lost Dylan.
I will be taking the day off (work is the last place I want to be then) but I don't know yet what I'll do. Spend the day at the cemetery? Maybe. Spend the day at home crying? Maybe. Wishing the day will just magically disappear from the calendar? yes please.
How do you get through the holidays after losing a child? I don't know how to do it. I can't figure it out. I want to be here for the boys, but at the same time I want nothing to do with all of it.
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I almost forgot.
Thank you everyone for your lovely comments on my last post!
xx
