Nervous

I have an appointment now Friday and again when we get back from vacation on the 21st.
I will be 10w6d Friday and 13w4d on the 21st.

I am very very nervous when it comes to the nuchal translucency scan. And the blood test that goes with it.

I am 37 years old, and I know age is an "issue". My doc says 38 is now the age at which they recommend an amnio, not 35 like they used to. I don't know what the difference is between my 37 and 38, but oh well.
I know that Down's isn't always connected to the woman's age.
I don't remember worrying about it this much with the boys or even with Dylan.

A dear friend told me about a new blood test a while ago, MaterniT21, a non-invasive genetic test. I don't live in the US, so I started googling. It took me a while, but I did find a similar test they offer here. (They don't offer the MaterniT21.)
About a week later, there was an article in the newspaper about this new blood test which "replaces" the amnio.
The only draw-back is that the test is expensive! It's about 600 Euros and insurance doesn't cover it.

I talked to T about it. He was hesitant. He is a very positive person and didn't want to talk about these things or make decisions until we are there and we may have to talk about it. He is such an optimist that he believes all we ok no matter what....
While I admire that in him, I think he should realize that life isn't like that (even after losing Dylan he is still like this) and he needs to talk about certain things now.....

I told him that he needs to think about what he would want to do if they were to tell us that the baby may have down's.
I don't know if I could keep it. I don't know if I would be capable of having a disabled baby and raising a disabled child. I don't know if I want to completely change my children's lives by having a disabled child.

So, we will have the NT scan and the blood test (the normal one). I will talk to my doc about the new blood test. I would like to get it done now Friday, but we will see what she says.

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I have been spotting slightly since yesterday afternoon. Only when I go to the bathroom, when I wipe, a bit of brownish slime. No blood in my undies. Nothing this morning. But when I just went to the bathroom again now, there was a bit of spotting again.

Argh. I had a bit of spotting with Dylan around 8 weeks. It went away by itself and was nothing.
So I'm not freaking out completely, but I am worried.

I've been worried about so much the past 10 weeks. And I will probably worry for another 6 months if all goes well......

Symptoms

I don't have many symptoms, but here are the ones I have:

• my breasts are sore, very very sore. They're ok most mornings, but by the time I get home from work, they are so painful, everything I do hurts! 
• I still fit in my bra's, so I'm pretty sure they haven't actually grown. But they feel bigger. I think they're just fuller (they weren't full anymore after 3 pregnancies and breast-feeding twice for 6 months!)
• I am soooooooo exhausted. all. the. time. I get through work most days, although the afternoons are hard. I've actually gone down to my car a couple of times and taken a nap during lunch in my car in the garage! I take naps most evenings when I get home or after dinner. 
• Sleep at night is not what it used to be. I'm not sure what the issue is, but I toss and turn most nights and just do not feel rested in the mornings. I'm pretty sure my naps don't have anything to do with it, they usually aren't longer than 30 minutes. It is very hot here at the moment, and even though the window is open, it isn't really all that cool in our bedroom. Plus I'm uncomfortable. I can't really sleep on my tummy, not because my tummy is in the way, but because my breasts hurt when I lie on them. I wake up every hour or so, toss and turn, get up to pee once or twice every night. And in the mornings, I'm still tired. We have three weeks of vacation as of the 5th of August, you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to that!!
• I have heartburn. Not so much during the day, but after dinner it usually gets pretty bad. The fact that I take naps after dinner might not be the greatest idea! 
• I have acne. I've always had greasy skin, am 37 years old and have always had some pimples, especially when I have my period. Now, I've had pimples for the past 2 months. And not just on my face, but on my back, neck, even on my throat!!! Horrible. I hope, hope, hope this is something which will go away soon!
• I'm very emotional. I'm pretty sure it's hormonal. I have to hold back tears most evenings when I watch tv, for the stupidest stuff! I always cry with emotional movies, but lately I feel tears coming with stuff which isn't even sad..... so yeah, pretty sure it's the hormones!!
• Not really a symptom, but a fact: I'm having clothing issues. Most of my pants (and skirts) still fit, but are really tight and very uncomfortable. I have some skirts with elastic waists, which are fine. One pair of chino's and a couple of pairs of very stretchy jeans which I can wear, but by the time I get home, all I want to do is take them off!!! I usually open my button in the afternoon while I sit at my desk. :-) I'm having a lot of ligament pains, which my doc said is normal, even this early. But sitting at a desk all day isn't helping. Thank god it's summer and the weather is very nice so I can wear dresses most days which don't bother me.

I'm happy it's weekend. I hope I can get a decent nights' sleep and if not, at least I won't have to go to work tomorrow and I can relax and maybe take a nap in the morning on the couch....

On a different note, X left for camp on Monday. He must be having a blast, because it's now Friday and we still haven't received any mail from him. He'll be home Monday evening!!
L leaves for camp Monday morning, and I'm nervous about that. He's my baby and it's his first time. He'll only be gone till Saturday, I know time will fly by and he'll be home before I know it. I told T he has to drop him off Monday morning, I'm too emotional (read hormonal) to do it. (don't get me wrong, I will pack his bag and say goodbye to him in the morning, but he is a daddy's boy, so I'm letting him have his time with his daddy.)

Ultrasound tonight

I had another appointment tonight.
Of course I was nervous as hell again.

We were able to go into the ultrasound right away and my doc didn't wait to tell me to get on the chair.
I got on the chair, held T's hand and closed my eyes. I couldn't bear to watch.

She found my uterus pretty quickly and said look how much it's grown! We got to hear the heartbeat again and it was good and strong!
She measured and I'm 8w4d today. Which would make my estimated due date February 22nd, 2014.

Without further ado, here is a first picture of my little almost-9-week miracle:

I am very happy right now. Although I know I still have a long way to go......

Still no nausea. My doc said it doesn't mean anything. And I won't be getting any nausea anymore. If you don't have it before 8 weeks, you won't get it. I guess every pregnancy really is different.

I have another appointment on August 2nd, right before we leave for vacation and then on August 21st for the nuchal translucency test. It's something I worry about. I'm 37 and the chances are higher that not everything is ok. I know they can't tell me anything today and worrying about it isn't going to change anything. So until then, I will try my hardest to just take it as it comes and think about it when, no if there is something to worry about.

The due date is a date I'm not really happy with. I should just be happy I'm pregnant, I know that.
But it's so close to the date we lost Dylan, January 31st.
I had X and L early, at 38 and 37 weeks. If I have this one early, I could come very close to January 31st. And that's Dylan's day.
I know this is a detail. I know I should not worry about that now. I'm not even 9 weeks yet, but it's on my mind......

So, even though we're not even 9 weeks yet, not yet near the second trimester, I am feeling good right now. Happy.
I don't know how long this will last before I start getting nervous again. But we'll get through that too and look forward to the next ultrasound.....

Festival

Last weekend, we spent 4 days at a festival.
I love this festival. I used to go every year with friends when I was a student, and since a couple of years, T and I have been going together.

What I didn't count on, was being pregnant this year.
We didn't go camping this year, but instead slept in the Rock village in little cottages in actual beds. We had a breakfast buffet every morning and access to real toilets and showers. There was even a pool and jacuzzi's!
So I wasn't too worried before we left.

It was ok, though I was very exhausted and took naps during the day and even then had a very hard time making it to the last performance at 2 am!!

Wat I also didn't think about before we left, was what I would wear. I had taken 2 pairs of jeans, a skirt and some shorts. The 1 pair of jeans was ok. It's a pair which is pretty baggy and it was comfy. Day 2, I put on my other pair and was surprised how uncomfortable they were! I figured they would be better after an hour because they were cleanly washed and jeans are always tight at first. I ended taking them off because they just did not get any more comfortable. The skirt wasn't an option either, I could barely close the button!!! I ended up buying a stretchy, baggy pair of pants with an elastic waist just so I could be comfortable!!
I haven't really gained any weight. I gained about a kilo. I'm pretty sure most of this kilo is on my breasts as they are so much fuller as they were.
So I'm a bit confused as to why my pants are all so tight. Is my body settling back into pregnancy mode? It is after all my 4th pregnancy.....

I was very careful what I ate during the weekend. I tried to eat healthy and avoided things like cheese (don't know if I'll EVER be able to enjoy cheese again after having listeria) and stuff that wasn't cooked properly. I had Thai noodles with lots of veggies and Thai curry also with lots of veggies, spring rolls, fruit smoothies and I drank lots of water. I had some fries of course just because they were so yummy. But I think I managed pretty well and didn't eat too much junk!

So, as I said, the festival was fun. Although I was very happy it was over Sunday night and I was very relieved to be home on Monday.

Here are some pics from this weekend:

 The pool at the rock village! Going to a festival in style!! :-)

 Depeche Mode and Editors

And of course fireworks at the end of the weekend!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Still here.....

Here we are..... as far as I know, still pregnant.

There is no way to be sure of this of course. I don't go back for an ultrasound till next Wednesday. Last week Wednesday, we heard and saw a heartbeat.
Until next week, I'll just have to believe that it's still there, that there is still a heartbeat.

As far as symptoms go, I don't have many.
My breasts are still sore as hell and they're still much fuller.
I'm exhausted, I take naps after work and have trouble getting through a day at work because I'm so exhausted.
But that's it. No nausea. None at all really. This worries me. I was nauseous for months, all day long, with both X and L. I don't remember being nauseous with Dylan though. (which had nothing to do with the health of that pregnancy of course) But nausea is one of those symptoms which reminds you that you're pregnant. Not having it doesn't mean anything. I know many women who weren't nauseous ever in any of their pregnancies. So even though this worries me, logically, I know it doesn't mean anything.

But there is no bleeding, no spotting, nothing which is a bad sign.
I need to see the positive in that and keep believing and hoping......

Appointment update

The appointment went well.

My doc is all no-nonsense, so we went straight into the ultrasound room when it was my turn.

She saw a heartbeat really fast and pointed it out to me. After some playing around with the wand, we also heard the heartbeat!!!

Then she measured. 5.9 mm. That would make me 6w3d today.
I think I'm further along, and it's something which gets me thinking again of course.

But for now, I'm cautiously happy.

I have another appointment in 2 weeks. I think my doc knows I would go crazy if I now would have to wait another 6 weeks! :-)

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I'll be offline for a couple of days.
We're going to a festival tomorrow till Monday.

I'll be seeing Depeche Mode, Green Day, Editors, Vampire Weekend, Kings of Leon, Blur, John Legend, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Passenger......and so many more!!!!

I hope everyone will have a great week and an even better weekend!!!!

Birthday

Yesterday was my 37th birthday.

Today I will find out it this pregnancy is progressing and hopefully see and hear a heartbeat.

I tried to have a good day yesterday.
My boys gave my big hugs early in the morning which made my day.
I took a shower and drove to the city to go shopping. I treated myself with a blueberry muffin and coffee at Starbucks. Then I went shopping.

I was alone until after lunch, and looking back at it now, that may not have been one of my best ideas. Being alone meant I had lots of time to think. And thinking means I ran through all the options all morning long.
I was SO happy when T called me to say he had arrived and would take me shopping some more the rest of the afternoon.

The boys had talked T into taking me out to dinner last night.
It was nice to be able to spend the rest of the evening with the four of us.

Today I'm a bit of a nervous wreck again.

In less than 8 hours we'll know more....