One more week

One more week until the anniversary of Dylan's birth and the day we said goodbye.

This date was so far away for such a long time and all of a sudden it's approaching hard and fast.

January 31st will never be the same. It will never again be just another day. It will always be the date on Dylan's gravestone at the cemetery. It will always be the day I wish never happened and will never forget. It will always be the day we held our beautiful son in our arms and had to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to a child is not natural. It is something I never imagined I would have to do. Something I have been wishing never happened for the past year.

Here I am sitting on the couch thinking back about that day and reliving it like it was yesterday.
Here we are still trying to get pregnant again and me wondering wether we should just not try anymore....

I have all these blog posts from last year which I haven't yet dared to re-read. I have been drawn to them though, thinking about how I felt when I first started blogging.....
I want to read my past posts, but am frightened to read them. Afraid I will relive it all again.

Will things be different after next week?

I don't know. I don't know what to think about the 31st, or how to handle it.
X asked me what date it was last week. I told him the date/ He then thought about it and said to me that it's almost Dylan's birthday. And he asked me what we were going to do on Dylan's birthday.
Maybe we should celebrate it as a birthday. As we would X's or L's birthday.
I love my boys when they say little things like this. Dylan is their brother and even though he's not here with us, they think about him and want to do something for his birthday.....

So I think we will spend the 31st together, all 5 of us. And do something fun. Together. And Dylan will be with us. As always.