Capture Your Grief - Catchup

I was away for a few days, and even though I don't want to post pictures for all the days I missed, there are some I do want to share....

Day 5. Memory

We used this picture for a little card we made for Dylan's memorial service. 

This is a sad and happy memory at the same time. Sad yes, but I love this picture.....

Day 6. Ritual

Dylan's grave. I go almost every week. Usually alone. Sometimes only for a few minutes, sometimes I stay for half an hour...... It's my time, my ritual.

Day 7. Me now

This is not a picture of me. But it's a picture taken during our summer vacation. 

It's a picture which look peaceful to me. Kind of how I feel....

I'm still sad, yes, but I have found some kind of peace of mind and am able to live my life again and enjoy watching the boys grow up....

Capture Your Grief - Day 10. Beliefs

Day 10. Beliefs

                             

I am not a religious person. 

I do not know what I believe happens after we die. 

We have told the boys that their little brother is a star in the heavens watching over them. 

Wherever we are, the boys will look up into the sky and say "look mom, Dylan is also here!" This both makes me smile and cry...

Capture Your Grief - Day 9. Music

We played this song at Dylan's memorial service.

I love this song. It has now become his song. I listen to it often, sometimes with tears in my eyes, sometimes with a smile.....

Capture Your Grief - Day 8. Color

Day 8. Color

This beautiful rose is part of my blog.

White roses are for my angel. I have put many white roses on his grave. White roses are not sad flowers. I never wanted sad flowers. I wanted something beautiful, simple, serene....

Mini-vacation

I am leaving very early tomorrow morning for a mini-vacation with some girlfriends.

We're flying to Barcelona for 4 days.

Part of me is really excited because I know it'll be a great weekend.
The other part of me is terrified. I don't like to fly. I haven't flown in almost 9 years. It freaks me out big time. And the fact that I'm leaving my kids behind is making it even harder.

I'm counting on being really tired so I'll fall asleep and not realize I'm on a plane. We're being picked up at 4:30 in the morning, well night really, so I will not be rested.

On top of me freaking out, I got my period today. So yeah, the freak out is not being helped by my hormones....
I have a feeling my cycles are messed up. My cycle was only 26 days this month, which is very short for me. I'm usually around 29-30 days. My body is still healing I think.....


And in other big news, my best friend just texted me that she thought labour was starting and was going into the hospital. Of course she would have this baby when I am in a different country!

You may remember that I had a really hard time with the fact that she was pregnant some months ago. We even went a long time without talking..... But we ended up having a very good, long, hard talk a few months back. I realized how much I had missed her and wanted her around. She felt the same way.
I was finally able get a handle on it all and we have become close again. I might even dare to say we're closer now than we ever were.
Yes, seeing her pregnant still makes me jealous. But I am happy for her. And I will be happy to hold that tiny little baby in my arms next week. It will be painful at the same time. But I love babies. None of this has changed that.


I have to go to bed. My alarm clock will go off in only a couple of hours.....

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 2. Identity

Day 2. Identity

Dylan. His name. 

This was the temporary name plate on his grave. 

In a way we were lucky. I was a little over 22 weeks pregnant when we lost Dylan. This meant that by Belgian law, it was a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. This meant that Dylan was registered at the commune. We had to give him a name, we had to have a funeral.

Officially, I have three children. 

Today that means a lot to me. 

My son has an identity. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 1. Sunrise

Day 1. Sunrise

This picture was taken on our way to Croatia this summer.
I had fallen asleep in the car and woke up somewhere in Germany to this sunrise.

This was 3 days after my loss in August. One and a half years after we lost Dylan.

My grief for losing Dylan is very real. Even today, it still feels like yesterday. I would do anything to go back and have one more day pregnant with him. To be able to say goodbye.

My loss in August was heartbreaking. I think I was able to cope with it somehow. Though some days are worse than others. Nothing is comparable to the loss we suffered with Dylan. Maybe that's why I was able to handle this the way I did.....


I posted this picture on Instagram today.
I never went public about losing Dylan on FB or anywhere else. Of course my friends, family and colleagues knew. But I chose to "ignore" the fact on FB. I think I may have posted a picture or two of a candle we burned for Dylan or a flower we left on his grave..... But I never "admitted" what the picture was of. And I think only a few people realized what I was doing.

Today, I decided to post the picture on Instagram. Including a caption.
Maybe friends will notice and ask me about them.....Maybe not.