November is over.
November was a difficult month.
Looking back now, I should have known. I should have known that the first of November, All Saint's Day, was going to be the start of a difficult period.
All Saint's was hard. I knew it would be. I did not realize that the rest of the month and the month(s) afterwards would also be this hard.
L's birthday caught me off guard. I had no idea I would find it so hard for him to have his 6th birthday. It made me realize that he is not my baby anymore. And worse, I do not have the baby here as I was supposed to....
My colleague's pregnancy made the month even harder. Logically, I still want to be happy for her. Logically, I know that she has gone through several failed IUI's and deserves this pregnancy, this baby. Emotionally, it's much more difficult for me to be happy for her... Emotionally, I find myself thinking that maybe things will go wrong and she won't be pregnant any more one of these days. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking those thoughts, and it's taken me a while to even dare to write them, but I need to get the thought out of my head. So on the blog it is.
(A side note: she is about 8 weeks now and has already told lots of people at work, even posted about her pregnancy on facebook and she's made christmas cards announcing the pregnancy. It bothers me. I keep wanting to ask her if she hasn't learned that things can go wrong. That maybe she shouldn't tell everyone yet. She's so confident that nothing could happen. Some days, I'm so annoyed I barely talk to her....)
Today is the first of December.
Not much better than November.
December means Christmas and New Year's and family holidays.
Other years I look forward to Christmas, I love Christmas. But not this year. This year I want to skip the holidays. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like decorating the house or setting up the tree or go gift shopping.
Last year I told everyone I was pregnant in November. By the end of the month I was showing and unable to hide my growing belly.
Last year we made Christmas cards with pictures of the boys and my pregnant belly.
Last year we celebrated Christmas believing we would have a baby 6 months later. There were even some small presents for the baby.
New Year's was wonderful because it meant the new year had started. The new year in which we would have another baby. The new year in which X and L would become big brothers (again).
None of that happened.
Instead, we had to bury a child. A baby who never got a chance. A brother for my boys whom they never got to know.
Most days have some reminder of last year. Of my growing belly last year, of our plans and our beautiful future....
I know there will still be many difficult moments in the coming weeks and months. January will not be a better month. Probably worse even.
I wish I could just go to bed and not wake up until some time in February. I don't know if it would make me feel any better, but it would mean not having to get through the next weeks .....
We are approaching January 31st. That day will be here before I know it.
It's a day I am dreading. It's the day we lost Dylan.
I will be taking the day off (work is the last place I want to be then) but I don't know yet what I'll do. Spend the day at the cemetery? Maybe. Spend the day at home crying? Maybe. Wishing the day will just magically disappear from the calendar? yes please.
How do you get through the holidays after losing a child? I don't know how to do it. I can't figure it out. I want to be here for the boys, but at the same time I want nothing to do with all of it.
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I almost forgot.
Thank you everyone for your lovely comments on my last post!
xx
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Oh, T, I am so sorry you're going through this. You should be in a totally different place, celebrating your first Christmas with Dylan. I wish I could help and if I can, let me know. Will be thinking of you this next month. Hug your boys hard and close and have them help you through.
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I'm right there with you.. I thought I was fine but then December is here all of a sudden and the countdown to Christmas with it. It's so hard. Also, January 31 was the day we found out the bad news, the day after the diagnosis was confirmed. From here to February will be really hard, you are not alone in that.
ReplyDeleteHow to survive during the holidays? I don't know. One day at a time, and just breathe I guess. Time won't stand still so somehow it will be here and then gone again.
I'm so sorry. I'd give advice on getting though the holidays if only I had some myself. I was doing okay (not great, but okay), but the holidays are hitting me. I announced my pregnancy last Thanksgiving and was so excited to have a little 6 month old this Christmas. That didn't happen... I was practically in tears this weekend, when an adorable little girl smiled at us as we stood next to her parents at the cash register. I try not to think too much about what our daughter would be doing, how she'd be that age of smiling and being adorable right now. But boy did it hit me. I also struggle with pregnant folks. A woman I worked with is pregnant and has told a lot of people we work with, but not me. Sigh. So tough. THinking of ou.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same boat. And because I don't have any living kids to fake it for, I've cancelled Christmas at our house. I just decided there was nothing to be joyful about and I wasn't going to do it. January 1st was the beginning of the end for us and I am, too, dreading the month of January. I feel like December 31, 2011 was the last time I was truly happy and that 2012 has been the year from hell... literally. I have no suggestions, other than to be selfish. Do only what you feel you can manage and don't feel badly about it. We are allowed to feel the way we feel.
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