My best friend called me out on Monday.
She wrote me an email asking what was going on, saying she felt that I was trying my hardest to ignore her, acting as if I didn't want her in my life anymore....
I saw her mail on my iPhone while I was at work. I only saw the first sentence, but I knew enough. I knew it would not be a fun mail to read. So I didn't. I didn't read it until my lunch break. And then I just left it sitting there.
I knew what I would have to write. But it took me quite some time thinking about it before I could put it into words.
After work I sat down at my laptop and wrote a reply.
To my own surprise, I was able to type out what I was feeling quite easily, though the mail did get pretty long.
I decided not to send the mail just yet because I wanted to make sure I still felt that my reply was right when I read it again a few hours later.
I told her what I was feeling, how upset I have been about her pregnancy. I explained that of all the pregnancies around me the moment, hers is the one I dream about, cry about, get angry about.... I told her how upset I was when I had to spend the day with her a couple of weeks ago (for a thing for her daughter, I'm her daughter's godmother) and she spent the entire day happily chatting with her also pregnant SIL and MIL about the pregnancy 2 days after I found out that my beta was dropping. And she knew this. I had told her. She didn't even ask if I was ok that day, but she did say she resents me for not yet congratulating her on the pregnancy.
In my head, I can not process that she is now happy with being pregnant. I get that women get pregnant by accident, are not happy and then deal with it and become happy. But for me right now, thinking about her in that way, is just so hard.
I admit that I have not reached out to her since she told me. I just couldn't. She was stubborn and felt that I should reach out first. I guess that resulted in us not talking for 7 weeks. Combine that with both if us having busy jobs and lives with kids..... She said it felt horrible to have lost me, her best friend. And to have lost my family along the way....
I never thought our friendship was over. I thought we were going through a really rough patch, but that it would pass.
I don't know if we'll recover from this. I want to, but am scared of seeing her. Emailing was ok, I could think about what I was writing and rewrite if necessary. I'm afraid of what I might say to her in person when I don't have time to think and rewrite....
Her being pregnant isn't going to go away. And she'll have a baby in 5 months or so. So no more pregnancy but a baby to remind me of it all.
I have had so many moments when I think of her being pregnant and then I think if I try to convince myself for long enough that's it's not true, then eventually it won't be true anymore. Yet it still is true. This "bad" thing hasn't gone away just because I've been willing for it to go away.
How do I deal with this, how do I accept it and move on?
I have NO. IDEA. how to do it.
I want her in my life, I really do. I have known her for almost 24 years, she is my son's godmother, I am her daughter's godmother. She has always been around, she's like my sister. I consider her family.
GET OVER IT.
Maybe if I say that often enough to myself I'll actually be able to do it.....
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This is a terribly sad post and situation. I have lost a good friend through this and I miss her but I was unable to let us recover. It is a tragedy of IF. That said, you and S have a VERY strong foundation. You have known each other forever and been through so much together. I hope for you that it'll be ok seeing her baby. When my SiL had her baby, my anger and mourning went away. That baby is family and I love her. I hope this for you with time. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHaving been through this with friends....you two may get over it. YOu may not. In my book, you are the one that requires and deserves more compassion and she should realize this. If she doesn't, then she's self-centered and not a true friend. I had a similar experience with three friends. One of them, I don't really consider a friend anymore even though we occasionally talk. One of them, it took a while for me to adjust to her pregnancy, but she was very compassionate in telling me about the pregnancy and considerate. I eventually grew OK with it. One friend was amazing and totally understood why I had to distance myself. We are more close today because she was able to cry with my through the difficult times. She got pregnant the first time she tried with twins...naturally...and knew how hard that would be for me.
ReplyDeleteMore than one friendship has been lost because of infertility. I had a friend that was just as callous as yours, we aren't friends now. Hoping for better times for you soon.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced this so many times, each time is different, how I deal and except it... or not. You will only know with time, if this heals the pain or makes you move on but from the sounds of it, you are very close to this most recent lost and her pregnancy is not helping presently, but I feel that your bond will remain, and it will simply change… I wish you all the best and I know how hard this is, it’s hard not matter who it is and to have a best friend accomplish something you want so badly… that just plan hurts. But we are human and we do forgive and heal…. I am thinking good thoughts of healing and love for you my dear.
ReplyDeleteIt's so so hard. I have been there. I am there. I do feel like I've lost some friends in this journey. But it's also surprised how, thirteen months later, some people are only now bringing it up. Last night, we went to dinner with friends and only after some wine did one of them say how sorry she was and how she thinks of us all the time, but never knew what to say. It has hurt me, the people who never said anything, but I'm so grateful when someone actually remembers her and mentions her at this point that it overwhelms that.
ReplyDeleteI think right now, you're dealing with a lot of pain of your own. And instead of trying to understand your situation, your friend is making it all about her. So maybe your friendship will get back to where it was, maybe it won't. But maybe what you need now is space. You need to take care of yourself - you are the #1 priority. So give your heart some time.
As we know, I think it's very hard for people who have not experience IF or baby loss to know -- to really know -- the emotional wrecking it does to us. Some are better at the empathy than others but it is what it is. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. You are allowed to distance yourself from this friend if that's what you need to do to protect your heart and your sanity. You will feel guilty which you shouldn't but that's natural too. Everyone else in her world can be thrilled for her surprize pregnancy. You don't have to play this role... not this time. If the friendship is strong, you will find a way back when it's time. If she can't see that, well then this friendship has expired. Such is life. Even long-term friendship fall casualty to life crisis. It sucks, no question. But you do not have to sacrifice your sanity to pull your bootstraps up and be the "bigger person".
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this with your best friend. Sometimes distance can be healing and you come back to each other, and sometimes you get further apart. I have no real advice but only do what you feel you can handle right now.
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