Six months

Six months.
That's how long it's been since our little angel went to heaven.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, feeling more than ever that something is missing in our lives.
I went to work though, and was busy enough to not really think about what day today was.

I drove home, went to get some pretty white roses, picked up the boys and drove to the cemetery.

X goes with me quite often. He always gets really sad though when we go. Maybe I shouldn't take him with me any more. On the other hand, I think he should be allowed to be sad. He's old enough to get it. I explained to him why I wanted to go today and he understood. He was surprised that it has already been six months....
L doesn't like to go. He usually stays in the car. I don't want to make him go if he doesn't want to. He's only 5 years old, I feel sad that he has to know what it's like to lose a sibling so young.
I feel very sad that both my boys have had to go through all of this.

Today they both went to see Dylan with me.
We put the roses on the stone.
The boys gave me a huge hug and I felt ok.

We put 4 white roses on Dylan's stone. One flower for each of us.

I miss my little angel. I have missed him for 6 months now.
We love you Dylan.

I've been a bit absent this past week.

It was a hard week. We were home alone with L and I was pretty much constantly worried about X.
I kept busy, playing with L, working, going to bed early.
On Wednesday I finally got a card from X saying he was having a blast. I felt so much better.

Friday actually came a lot faster than I thought it would. I woke up early, in a good mood, worked half a day and then drove home to pick L up first and then X.
I was so happy when the bus finally arrived (45 minutes late!!!) and I was able to hold X in my arms.

Going to this camp was good for X. He grows up when he's away and has to take care of himself. He's a big boy which is hard to realize sometimes, but nice to see him growing up from a baby to a toddler to an almost third grader now...


We've had a lovely weekend. Summer has finally decided to start here in Belgium and we are so glad to not have any more rain!!
We had a BBQ for my cousins and their kids yesterday and spent today at an animal park with just the four of us.

I have two more weeks of work and then we have 3 weeks of vacation. yay!!!
We'll be gone to Croatia for 2 weeks of camping. Real vacation. I can't wait!!

And then there were 3 of us.....

or at least for the next 7 days.

X left for camp this morning. For a full 7 days.

I had a very difficult day yesterday and this morning was horrible. I was a nervous wreck.
I honestly don't know what my problem is.
X went to camp last summer and he loved it. He was really excited this year as his best friend was also going.

Wait, I do know what my problem is. I lost a child this year.
My 2 boys have become my all. I am scared to death of something happening to them.

So, X going to camp with a bus (you may remember I posted about the horrific bus accident with kids earlier this year) was hard for me this morning. I know I can not forbid my kids to get on busses. That would just be stupid.
I wasn't alone this morning. I heard lots of moms telling their kids to sit near the front of the bus (a lot of kids in that accident who died had been sitting in the back).
X's best friend's mom was also there this morning, and I could tell she wasn't very happy with the bus ride either.

We know it's a good thing for the boys.
They love these camps, it's a Pirate Camp this year. It makes them a bit more independent and confident.

I was strong. I only cried after the bus had left and X couldn't see me anymore.

Now it's time that L gets some extra attention. And lots of hugs and kisses from mommy :-)

7 days will fly by. I know that. (please let 7 days fly by)
X is having the time of his life. He was excited to go and I know it will be fun.
I miss him already though!

Is it that time of the month already???

The last month has flown by.
It seems like only yesterday that I was so happy about my period being on time the first cycle without birth control.
Yet here it is again.
Gotta be proud of my body again though, 27 days this month. Not bad.

I was ok with getting my period. I knew I would.
We're not really trying yet. And I ovulated while at the festival. Trying for a baby at a festival is not really my idea of fun. Sleeping in sleeping bags, having a toilet a 10 minute walk away from the tent and having a friend sleep 2 meters away from us made it that we did not try while there. (Not that T was always capable either with all the beer in his system, but we won't blame him for it :-))

So, normal cycle and period it is. And we're ok with it.



To be honest, I've been doubting our decision to try again.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want another baby, but sometimes I think I should just leave it as it is.
I have two kids. They are 8 and 5. If I were to get pregnant in 2012, they would be 9 and 6 by the time the baby is born. Maybe the age difference would just be too big by then (it was already something I worried about when I was pregnant with Dylan).
Our kids are now big enough to be able to take places again. (babies are easy to take places, toddlers not always so much) And if we don't take them with us, they can easily go sleep at someone's house. If we have another baby, we'll be stuck in diapers again for a good while.....Will we still be able to do stuff and go places like we do now? Not that this is a reason to not get pregnant again, but our lives would change again.
I've been pretty good at dieting the past few months. I fit into most of my clothes. Why I bothered doing it if I want another baby beats me. Now that I have done it (not that I'm anywhere near my ideal weight on the scale), I sometimes think that getting pregnant again would mean that I've wasted all these months dieting.

I sound stupid. I feel stupid saying/thinking these things.
Maybe it's just my hormones and my bad mood which I'm in today.

I'm back.....and finally back online!!

It's taken me a couple of days to finally make it back to my blog after the festival last weekend.
I've been trying to catch up on reading and today is really the first evening I've had time to do it.

Let me start by saying that the festival was wonderful! We had great weather all 4 days with only a bit of rain Friday morning and 1 shower on Sunday.

Thursday was a really hot day, over 30° C and we all got a little sunburnt, but it was nice to be able to wear shorts and a tank top! (did I mention that I fit into my shorts?! :-))
I finally got to see the Cure Thursday night. I was a fan when I was about 16, but never saw them. They played a lot of the old songs and were great!

Friday morning we woke up to rain. Yes, we slept in a tent for 4 days. Not really my idea of sleeping comfortably, but it's all part of the festival thing.
By lunch time it had stopped raining and we had beautiful blue skies for the rest of the day!
We saw lots of great bands with Pearl Jam as last band for the day.

On Saturday it was Mumford & Sons' turn. Oh, they were SO GOOD!!! T really likes them and after last weekend, I am also a big fan! Oh, and the singer is SO HOT!! :-)
Later that night we saw the Editors. Seeing them was hard. They have a beautiful song (No Sound but the Wind) which we played at Dylan's memorial service. I was prepared for it so when they sang the song I was able to enjoy it. With tears in my eyes and T holding me tight. When we looked up there was a bright star in the sky. I knew Dylan was there with us.

Sunday, the last day, we saw Florence and the Machine, Snow Patrol and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was a great last day....

We stayed until Monday morning so we wouldn't be stuck in too much traffic driving home. We didn't get home till late Monday afternoon, picked up our boys and went out to a nice family dinner to celebrate my birthday.
I'm usually one to celebrate in style. But this year all I wanted was to be with T and the boys. Which is what we did. It was wonderful.

The rest of the week has been a bit of a blur. I had to go back to work on Tuesday, but passed out on the couch after dinner. Also passed out early last night (after baking a cake for work to celebrate my birthday). Today is really the first day I've felt human again.
Maybe a 4-day festival and sleeping in a tent was a bit much. If I were still 25, no problem. But I can really feel the effects of it now!

So, here are some pictures of the weekend! :-)

 First day of the festival

 My beloved Dr. Martens. They are 20 (!!!) years old this summer and still going strong!!! :-)

 Lots of legs in front of me! :-)

 Beautiful sunset

 The Cure!!!

 Cloudy skies

 A much needed morning cup of coffee

 Cloudy

 Clouds

 Clouds are gone, the sun is back!

 Pearl Jam

 My shoes again :-)

 More pictures of the sky

 Mumford & Sons

 Editors

 Rain shower on Sunday

 More sun after the rain

 Red Hot Chili Peppers

 Fireworks

 We had to leave

The last day: empty camping

Festival time!!!

I won't be online for the next 5 days or so.

We're leaving in the morning to a 4-day festival here in Belg.ium. I am SO looking forward to it! I used to go as a student, with friends. I didn't go for many years but last year T and I went together for the first time and had a blast.
We weren't planning on going this year......we were supposed to have a tiny baby.
But to try and take our minds off the bad things that have happened, we decided to go again this year.

I will be seeing The Cure (I was a fan 20 years ago!!), The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Editors, Mumford & Sons, Snow Patrol and many many more bands this weekend.
I will hang out in the sun, eat junk food all weekend and drink beer.

I will also miss the last day of ICLW (I should really check my agenda before I sign up next time) so I will try and double my comment today.
ICLW has been great, I have met many new bloggers and have felt the love on my blog this week. Thank you everyone for all the support!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I will be catching up on my blog reading Monday night!!

Colleagues with babies

I guess my tittle says it all....

Today, one of my colleagues who had a baby in April showed up at work.
I stayed at my desk (very unlike me as I have always been pretty baby-crazy) because I felt the tears coming the second I realized she was there on a baby visit.
She came by to give me a hug but left pretty fast when she saw I wasn't handling it very well. I got up, ran to the bathroom and had a good cry. My wonderful colleague/friend followed me to give me a good hug.

Urgh. I did not handle that in a good way!

I have another colleague who had a baby 2 weeks ago and I really want to go visit her. But now I don't know if I'll be able to.

Maybe it was because I wasn't prepared for it today. I will prepare myself for the baby visit and try my hardest to not cry.
And if I do it's ok. And normal.