Christmas

Here we are, Christmas Eve......

As a child, I loved Christmas. Absolutely LOVED it.
My mom grew up in Germany, I spent many years celebrating Christmas there. In Germany, Christmas is celebrated for 3 days straight.
As a teenager, I lived in  Switzerland and Christmas there was also wonderful. Snow, a wonderful winter wonderland.....

When I moved back home to Belgium, I tried to make Christmas special each year. But people only celebrate 2 days here and then they go back to work as if nothing happened. Snow is also a rare thing here at Christmas and it's one of the things I miss most.
Today it's windy, raining and 10 degrees. Not really a winter wonderland.

All these little things aside, I still loved Christmas and we always celebrated it with family.

After losing Dylan, things changed.

Christmas has become a chore. Something we have to do because it is expected of us.

I realize that I can not just not celebrate. We have 2 wonderful boys who deserve a wonderful holiday filled with family, love, presents....the whole deal.

But it's hard. I put up the tree a couple of weeks ago in the hope of creating some Christmas spirit, but even today I'm still struggling.

I wish things were different. I wish Dylan were here. It was supposed to be his second Christmas already.
I wish I hadn't had the miscarriage this summer. I was supposed to be almost 8 months pregnant.

I don't know where we're going, what we are going to do.
Some days I think we should just give up and love our boys and live our lives as we are. Some days I wish for nothing more that to be pregnant and have another baby.

Next month it will have been two years since we lost our precious angel. I don't expect things to get better, easier before then.


I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. Filled with joy, love, family, friends.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

We got married!!!!

We got married last Saturday.

It was a beautiful day, filled with friends and family, kids, good food, and lots of fun.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being that beautiful bride, in a long white dress, like a princess.

When T and I met, we talked about getting married, having kids, buying a house..... We were pregnant with our oldest son less than 2 years after we met. So getting married took a backseat. We were having kids. When I was pregnant with our second son, we bought a house.
Over the years, we always said we would still get married some day. But some day was far away.

After we lost Dylan, I told T I wanted to get married. No matter what, I needed to be married to him.
Part of me got scared when I was in the hospital. Not being married meant that neither one of us was allowed to make any medical decisions. I know this is not a reason to get married, but it was one of the triggers for me. Having gone through losing Dylan and being hospitalized myself made me realize that.

Don't get me wrong, I got married to T because I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
But the practical things were also on our minds.

When T first asked me to mary him, I thought I wanted the "real deal". The white dress, the big party....the whole thing.
But the more I thought about, the more I felt I didn't want to do it that way.

I'm 37 years old, we have two beautiful children and an angel. We didn't do things in the right order, so why have the wedding in the old-fashioned way?!
We decided to have a "simple" wedding, with a few of our close friends and families.

I felt like a princess on Saturday, in a beautiful dress. But it was red instead of white. :-)

We got married at the town hall, surrounded by our children, families and friends.

We both said some things, we both cried, the boys gave us our rings.

We had a wonderful afternoon, with great food, champagne, wine.....
We decided to not have a party, just a dinner with the people we love.

I couldn't have wished for a better day.

Much needed update!!

I spent October posting (almost) daily pictures for the Capture Your Grief challenge.
It was a difficult month at times, but also a beautiful month. I hadn't looked at a lot of my pictures of Dylan in a very long time.

I also posted my pictures on Instagram. This was a first for me. I never posted anything on FB or Instagram about Dylan, except for maybe a picture of some flowers or a candle....
I used the hashtag #captureyourgrief on Instagram and labeled my pictures with the days.
A couple of my colleagues (who have become friends over the years) were seeing and liking my pictures. About halfway through the month, they each asked me if everything was ok. I told each of them what it was and what I was doing. They all said it was a beautiful thing for me to do.

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On October 12th, T broke his wrist. He was away for the weekend with some friends and during an afternoon walk in the woods, he fell and landed on his wrist. Broke it in 3 places and had to get screws put in.
He has been at home since because he can't drive.

It's been an exhausting month for me because I now have to do everything alone, drive the boys everywhere, still go to work, drive T to the doctor for checkups......

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A very exciting update: we're getting married this Saturday!!!!

I'm very excited, and a bit nervous now.

Everything is done and organized.
My dress is ready (no, not a white dress!), T's suit is ready, the boys' new clothes are washed and ready, are rings have been picked up, the flowers ordered, my nails are done.....
Now we just need to hope it doesn't rain on Saturday!!! :-)

We're keeping it simple.
We're getting married and then going for a nice dinner with our parents, brothers and some close friends. Our boys and all kids will be there because it just wouldn't be the same without them!!

Oh yeah, and T is getting married with a cast on his arm. But we got his suit jacket altered so it fits so even that isn't getting me stressed out!!

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I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

I will try and post some wedding pics next week! :-)

Capture Your Grief - Day 31. Sunset

Day 31. Sunset

I chose not to take a picture of the sunset, but to use Dylan's sunset.
I have this picture framed in our living room.
Even though it is a sad memory, it does make me smile because it is a beautiful picture.

Capture Your Grief - Day 29. Healing

Day 29. Healing

Healing each other. Healing together.
Don't know how I would have done without them.

Capture Your Grief - Day 28. Special Place

Day 28. Spacial Place

Dylan's grave. His special place. Our special place. My special place.

These are the flowers on his grave the day we had his memorial service.

Capture Your Grief - Day 27. Sings

Day 27. Signs

I wasn't sure what I wanted to post today.

Pictures like this, taken in Croatia this summer, make me smile.

Pictures like this make me think of my angel, but not in a sad way.