In shock......

I don't know how to even describe what I'm feeling right now. Shock just does not do it.

We had a birthday party for X today. My mom and brother were here, my best friend who is X's godmother, my in-laws couldn't make it......

At one point my best friend said we should go outside and talk.....so we did.
She said "I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I'm pregnant."

This was the last thing I was ever expecting her to say. She has two daughters, only ever wanted two kids, went back on birth control and thought I was crazy for wanting a third baby..... She was supportive of me having a third, don't get me wrong, but was very adamant that she did not want another baby.

She was afraid to tell me, afraid of how I would react...... She's 8 weeks. She said it's still early, anything can happen....

I was shocked, still am. She's the last person I was ever expecting to tell me something like this.

I am not proud of how I reacted. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think.

She got pregnant by accident. She was on the pill.
Her boyfriend wanted her to get an abortion. She made an appointment but cancelled it because she just can't do that.
She's freaked out. Didn't want a baby, still doesn't. But she'll deal with it. She has no idea how they'll manage. It wasn't planned, it doesn't really fit into their lives anymore.....She was glad to have her girls in school and getting a bit of their lives back, being able to do stuff with older kids, being out of diapers and bottles.....

She said it's unfair. I wanted it so bad, I've had an ectopic and lost Dylan and have been trying for almost a year again to get pregnant. And here she is, pregnant by accident. She said "I only have to look at a penis and I get pregnant. You want it so badly and still aren't...."

I get that she didn't want to tell me. I think I wouldn't want to tell me.

All of what happened does not mean that I don't think a pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Yes, I want it for me. But I also think it's a beautiful thing for others.

She is not in a good place right now. She does not think this is a beautiful thing or a thing to be happy about.
I want to be there for her. I wish she would have told me earlier. Being there for her is going to be hard. But she is my best friend. And I will be there for her no matter what.

We're going out to dinner next weekend. Just the two of us. That gives me a week to process this. To get my head around it and to be there for her, no matter what happens or she decides.