Crazy busy.....and a surprise....

I have been crazy busy the past few weeks.

I thought that with the soccer season being over, school almost being out and it finally being nice weather, we would finally get some time for us. Oh, I was so wrong.
Nice weather means BBQ's with friends, drinks with friends, birthday parties the kids have to go to...... you name it, we've done it.
Don't get me wrong, it's all fun things. But I feel as if I haven't had a free minute to myself in weeks!!

My best friend and I finally went for drinks a couple of weeks ago. It was very awkward at first, but we managed to get it all out there and we had a nice talk. I'm still not quite ok with her being pregnant, but seeing her has made it better. I was making it all worse in my head I think. It will remain difficult for me, but I am now handling it. I think.
She also told me she's having another girl. She already has two girls. So of course she's having another one.
We even went to a high school reunion together two weeks later. We spent hours in the car together and it was ok.
I think we're ok again. I'm sure our friendship will survive this, however difficult it has been and still will be.....

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Now for the surprise:

My period is officially 9 days late today.
I didn't really realize it was late last weekend because my cycle isn't always as it should be. It differs a couple of days each month, so I don't usually think anything of it at first......

At one point last week, I checked my calendar to see when I was supposed to get my period and realized I was late.
Combine that with having a bout of nausea at work and being tired all the time and I started thinking that I may be pregnant. I took naps after work almost every day last week. Yesterday in the shower I noticed that my boobs are filled more (not necessarily bigger, but just filled more than they have been in a while). Oh, and they're a little sore....

I didn't tell T. I wanted to wait and see. I didn't want to get his hopes up.
But then I asked him yesterday to go buy a test because I was a week late and he said "I know". So he's been keeping track of my cycle, but also wanted to wait and see.....

I tested this morning.
That big blue line showed up immediately.
I was pretty much convinced already that it would be positive, with the way I've been feeing lately. But seeing it has made it all real.

And I am FREAKED. Scared shitless.

I'm happy yes, but I don't think I've ever been this scared. I keep thinking what I've been eating the past few weeks and if there was anything I shouldn't have eaten. I had a mojito last weekend, with rum. I was barely a day late and most months that doesn't mean anything at all. But now I worry that I should not have done that....
I will call my doc tomorrow morning and hopefully get an appointment very soon. I need to at least know it's not ectopic. And hope that everything is ok.
And then spend the next 8 months being scared, freaked out, panicked......

How do you handle a pregnancy after a loss?
I've wanted this for so long, but I really don't know how I'm going to handle this. How I'm going to get through the coming months and remain sane.

For now, we're happy. Cautiously so, but happy....

We will have to wait and see what the next few weeks will bring us. I will be using all my wishes to try and make this be a happy ending for us....