Yesterday, today, tomorrow

Yesterday was kind of a good day. We spent yesterday with the boys. Doing nothing, watching tv with them, cuddling with them. In the late afternoon we went to a theater show (for kids) because, well, we had the tickets, they weren't cheap and the boys had been looking forward to it. So we went.
It was a good thing. I held X's hand for most of the show and realized I have much to be happy about, even now. I have 2 wonderful sons, they need me and I need to be there for them.

After the show, X hugged me and said "mommy, I will always remember Dylan when I think of this show". That broke me. But I love X for it. In all his innocence and his sadness.....he meant it in a good way.

I will try my hardest to be there. But it isn't always easy. The boys argue, cry, fight.....normal things which kids do. But T and I are having problems with that. We have no patience at the moment.
I need to work on that. Realize that the kids aren't doing it to annoy us, their lives are continuing, even with all the sadness.....
So, I have decided I need to be more patient. Lets see how well I do with that....

Today is a hard day. T and I couldn't, or didn't want to, get out of bed this morning. The boys were late for school. That's not good, we can't do that.
So, the boys are at school now. And we are sitting here. Doing nothing. The tv is on, but we're not watching anything. It's on so we have some background noise. So we don't think too much.
Today is hard because we have no reason to do anything. The boys aren't here. It's not good that we're doing this, we get that. We need to function, even when the boys aren't around. I'm counting the hours till school is out so I can have them with me again.

Today is a hard day. I have to get stuff organized. Tomorrow is the funeral (I HATE THAT WORD).
I have the music ready, I have texts to be read both at the service and at the grave. We ordered flowers.
I want it to be personal, from us. But I don't know if I will be able to read a text. I so want to, but even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. How will I ever get up there and read it?
I can have someone read it for me/us. But I don't think I want that.

Tomorrow will be a very, very hard, horrible day. But a day we need. We need to say goodbye.
I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared that the people who will be there (closest friends and family) will try to pull me through the day. But I want to be left alone. I told T to stay with me, to protect me from everyone.

Tomorrow will be hard. And I'm thinking about stupid stuff: what will I wear? which shoes will I wear? should I put make-up on? what will the boys wear?
This is stuff is so not important. So why is it what I'm thinking about?

I've taken a shower every day since I got home. The hot shower feels good. But every time I get undressed, I'm angry.
I'm not pregnant any more, but my body isn't back to normal. I can ignore it as long as I have clothes on, but when I get undressed, it's all there for me to be confronted with.
My boobs aren't pregnant boobs any more, but they're not what they used to be. My tummy looks fat, ugly. I know my body will go back to what it used to be, but it needs time. And it is time I don't want. I want to fit into my clothes now, today, not in a couple of weeks.
So, besides sweatpants, I have no pants which fit. Well, except for maternity pants. That really sucks. I'm wearing maternity jeans. I put them on, get angry and then ignore it the rest of the day.
I guess I can wear dresses, but 99% of my dresses are tight-fitting. So that's not really an option as I just look fat right now.
You see, I'm a girly-girl. I like dresses, skirts with cute tops, high heels, pretty boots.....even when I wear jeans, I wear heels or boots....I wear make-up, earrings, I do my hair, have pretty red nails..... I rarely wear sneakers or sweatpants. I do not go outside in sweatpants.
My body makes me angry. I am angry because I have no clothes to wear, I have nothing that makes me look pretty. And I think I want to look pretty, I want to at least have that. Look and feel pretty. Is that too much to ask?

So, tomorrow. I'm dreading it. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I worry that it won't be the way I want it to be tomorrow. It needs to be perfect.
I am praying to survive tomorrow. That the 4 of us will survive tomorrow.
T is trying to be strong, for me, for the boys. But I'm worried about him. He needs to heal also, not just take care of us.....
I have learned though, that we have a strong relationship. And it has become stronger in this past week.  I love him and he loves me. That will get us through tomorrow and all the days to come, be it the good or the bad ones.....