Anti-conception - WHAT???

I started taking the pill again on Tuesday. Oh joy. NOT

We went to see my doc 2 weeks ago. She wanted to talk to us, make sure we're not falling into a big hole, give us results..... 

First of all the results: as it was when we left, I had the listeria bacteria. It was found, again and again, in all samples, from me and Dylan. Dylan died of pneumonia. It all happened very fast. That was supposed to make us feel better. I'm still not sure if it does. Yes, it's a good thing that he didn't feel much pain, that he died fast. But I just keep thinking if I would have gotten sick and they would have been able to treat me.... even though our doc said that even with full-term babies, if the mom gets listeria and they do an emergency c-section, they are always too late, I still keep thinking "what if....." 

She then asked about anti-conception. It surprised me. It was the last thing on my mind then, now, the past few weeks.

But she is right, there will be a day when T and I will have sex again. I know T is patiently waiting till I am ready for that day. But even now, 4 weeks later, it is so not something I want. Then again, maybe it would be good....

When she asked if I wanted to start taking the pill again, I gave her a look of "why??". 

You see, even on the day we were told that Dylan had died and I had to give birth to him, I never thought I would not want to get pregnant again. I still feel that same way. I always said I wanted 3 kids, this hasn't changed. Even though I am utterly terrified of what could go wrong during a new pregnancy, I truly do think I want to do it again.

I now know that I was very naive during my first 2 pregnancies. Of course I knew about miscarriages and stuff, I had heard stories, but this would not happen to me.

After my ectopic, I thought, "ok, one bad thing happened, the next will be ok". And it was, up until the shit hit the fan.

Now I know so much more, I have so much more to be scared about.

I've been reading blogs for the past month now. It's been good to know that I am not the only one suffering, going through a loss. But sometimes I think it would be better for me to not read all these things, to not know so many things can go wrong.....

Even so, T and I have had the talk. Do we want to try again? When do we want to start trying? 

I think we have decided that we will start trying again later this year. 

It seems weird now to even write this. How can I say this after losing a baby a month ago? I feel as if I am not mourning him enough.

I do not want to replace Dylan. Dylan will always be our third baby, our third son.

I said this to our doc. She said there are couples who stop trying after something so horrible happened to them. Others get pregnant again as soon as possible.

She said something I now believe to be true. The feeling that you want a child is like being in love. no matter how hard you try, this feeling does not go away. (she said she even has women in their 50's still saying they'd love to have another baby!)

So going on the pill is not really something I had thought of as an option.

The main reason she convinced me is that she said my body could very well have a hard time getting back on track hormonally by itself. She said it could take up to 5-6 months before I get my period after a traumatic experience like what I had. And without my period, I'm not likely to ovulate and be able to get pregnant.

So the pill it is. Even if it's just to get my hormones back to where they should be. Ideally I should have my period twice and then I am allowed to get pregnant.

Emotionally I don't think I'll be ready for that in 2 months. But at least my body will be ready again.

Sometimes I think I should just stop thinking about a baby. I have 2 healthy, beautiful sons. Why should I go through it all again?

I can just hear the comments some people will give me if and when we are pregnant again.

When reading other blogs, I feel guilty of wanting to have another baby. There are so many women here who can't get or stay pregnant. Most of them don't have any children. Most of them aren't as lucky as I am to have children who are alive and well.

I hope I haven't offended anyone reading this with my thoughts of a new pregnancy.