Jinxed?

I think I jinxed it yesterday. I posted that I felt better, felt ok again. I shouldn't have done that.

Today was a crappy day. A sit-on-the-couch-all-day kind of day. I did nothing. I felt sorry for myself. I was sad. I cried. I took a long nap. I didn't feel ok today. I didn't feel better.

I am wondering now if these feelings will ever go away completely. I know I will never forget Dylan. I know he will always have a place in my heart, in our lives, in our family.
But I need to stop hurting. I don't know how much longer I can go on hurting.
I am lost. Lost in this world. Sometimes, I'm not sure what to do next. Where life will take me.

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I read a post this week about spirituality. That post got me thinking....

I am not a religious person. Don't remember having ever been religious. I did grow up with religion present in my life. My grandmother took us to church at least 3 times per week when we were small. I grew up in a house with a cross hanging over the front door. I'm pretty sure my parents were religious when I was younger, although we didn't go to church very often. Church was for weddings, baptisms, funerals, communions.....

I do believe there is something beyond this life. I have to believe that, I am terrified of there being a whole  of nothing after death.

My dad died a month before my 21st birthday. Since then, I have started believing that there is something after we die. I do not know what, I can't put it into words, but I believe he is there. I believe that he is watching over his grandchildren. The grandchildren he never met.
And I believe that Dylan is where he is. That he is taking care of Dylan. Dylan is in good hands. My dad would have been a wonderful grandfather.

So when I look up at the stars, it is my dad and Dylan I am thinking of, talking to. They are among the stars. The stars are a beautiful thing. And that is what I believe. I believe they are in a beautiful place. And one day I will see them again, I will be with them.

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Since I got back from the hospital, I have had flowers in the house almost non-stop. Mostly from friends and colleagues, but I've also bought some.
These are the last ones I got this week when some friends came to see me. They are beautiful white-ish tulips.

White flowers will always remind me of Dylan. The first flowers I got was a huge bouquet of white roses. I had a beautiful flower-piece made with white roses for the funeral and grave.
Tomorrow, I want to go get a pretty pot and plant some pretty white flowers to put at Dylan's grave.