Random

Some random things going through my head....

Sex. Will I want to have sex again? And soon? It's been over 5 weeks and we weren't very active when I was pregnant either (my libido disappears when I'm pregnant, plus I slept many, many hours when pregnant). I know T is patiently waiting for me to be ready. He hints at it. He tries to kiss me and get me in the mood.
I'm not in the mood. My body isn't in the mood.
How long does this last? Maybe I should just force myself to have sex with T. But how do I get my mind to turn off and go for it?

I went to the graveyard this afternoon. I had not planned on it, just drove by the street and decided to go.
I am a little bit ashamed to say that I have not been in a while. I don't go regularly.
I've never been a graveyard-going person. There's a reason my brother and I decided to not bury my dad 14 years ago (we scattered the ashes in Switzerland).
But I feel guilty for not going to see Dylan.
I have planned to go often, every so many days I think to myself in the morning that I will go that day. But somehow, I never make it there.
Today I went. It was nice to go. To spend a couple of minutes with our angel. But it was also sad. Sad to remember the day we buried him, the day we said goodbye.

I have been having a good week I guess.
Last weekend there was a school thing, a dinner to collect money for the school the boys go to. I am in the parent committee. So I should have worked there all weekend, but I had told them I wasn't up to it, didn't want to see so many people, lots of people I hadn't seen "after".
But, after some whining from the boys, we decided to go have dinner there Saturday.
I ended up seeing some friends I hadn't seen, talking to them..... it was actually nice to see them, to talk to them, to be able to tell my story....
I stayed when T and the boys went home. I just stood in the kitchen, near a dear friend, talking, being around friends.
On Sunday I even went back and worked in the kitchen during lunch.
It felt really good to be around people again, to be out in the real world.
(I did burn my fingers pretty badly on some hot soup, VERY painful, but it's healing nicely. At least it's an ache not reminding me of Dylan, something to take my mind off of that!)

I have been pretty busy the past few days. I sorted through my books and rearranged my bookcase, updated my booklist. Cleaned my house, really cleaned it.
It felt good to be doing physical stuff. I think less when I do these things.

Tonight I went swimming with a friend. It was nice to just do the laps, turn my mind off and swim.

All in all I am ok.
I feel weird saying that. I never thought I would be ok so soon. I think I still have a long way to go before I find myself again. If I ever do find myself again completely. I am a different person. I have different priorities. I know now what is really important in life.