Before and After

Before and After.
Everything I do, say or think has one of those two words included. It's weird. It's as if the world Before and the world After are completely different.
I can't think of a single thing that doesn't have Before or After included in the thought.

Before was good. Before was happy.
Ok, we had our issues. T and I had arguments, the boys didn't always behave, work wasn't always fun. But still, I remember Before as being a good, happy, fun place to be.

After is not so much fun. After is sad, angry, frustrated, annoyed.... (can't think of more words, these don't even begin to describe it).
T and I have been ok the past few weeks. We spent lots of time together, at home, talking, holding each other.

Yesterday we had a fight. Such a stupid fight. I didn't want to eat spaghetti (this might have something to do with the fact that I may have contracted listeria from eating cheese with my spaghetti, as I talked about in this post). So I didn't. T and the boys ate spaghetti, I sat at the table crying. X tried to comfort me, but I was having a difficult moment.
After the boys went to bed, I threw a fit. I really did. I'm ashamed of it, but I think this is a place I can talk about it.
I had a hard day in general yesterday. Didn't do anything, didn't want to do anything. I was angry, frustrated at the world in general.
Last night, T was the victim of it all.
I threw with pots and dishes. I broke the trash can (at least now we have an excuse to get rid of the ugly trash can under the sink and get a bigger nicer looking one), almost threw some plates across the kitchen..... I basically threw a hissy fit. A good, loud, throwing stuff around, slamming doors, yelling kind of fit.
After calming down, or better, getting it out of my system, I realized it was pathetic. T isn't to blame for any of this. Nobody is. But I am angry.

I've been sad, very sad. I still get sad. But right now anger is the emotion I feel most often. I'm angry at the world, at the cheese I ate, at the fact that I went to Germany that weekend, angry at everything and everyone.

I think T might have the same feelings. He went back to work on Monday, but is having a bit of a difficult week. He keeps having to tell the story, to his colleagues, his customers.... I think it's making him relive it all again and again, which can't be much fun.

We had another argument this morning. Again, stupid.
But I think it shows how we are both feeling at the moment.
Isn't anger a step in processing grief, in mourning? Note to self: ask psychologist on Monday.

My goal for tonight: apologize to T. Talk to T. Tell him about me being angry, about being frustrated. Try to reconnect. I feel as if we've lost touch, as if he's slipping away from me.
This weekend will be family-time. We will spend it together, all of us, and reconnect.