Appointment

I had my appointment at 8 am this morning.

I was SO nervous.
T was with me, which helped.....

My doc did an ultrasound. There is a nice round sac and she thinks she saw a heartbeat, but couldn't hear it.
There are two options now:
either I'm not 7 seven weeks today as we thought and it's too early to see a heartbeat.
or I'm miscarrying.

I go back next Wednesday evening for another ultrasound. And hope that we hear a heartbeat.

I'm ok. I feel a little better. I know it's not ectopic, which is already something.
I'm still nervous though. And still panicking.
Intellectually, I know that things can go wrong for no reason whatsoever until 12 weeks (or even beyond that). Even if she would have been sure of that maybe-heartbeat she saw, it's no guaranty that things will be ok.
Emotionally this is very hard.

My doc was optimistic, she saw no reason to be worried.

I'll try not to worry too much either.
In 5 days we'll know more......

4 more sleeps

I'm a wreck.
The closer I'm getting to Friday morning, the worse it's getting.

I can't decide if it needs to be Friday 8 am NOW or if I'm too scared and want to skip Friday all together....

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments the past week......it's nice knowing you're out there and don't think I'm completely crazy for freaking out like this.....

Panic mode

Panic has crept in.

I am completely freaked. I do not know how I'm going to survive the next two weeks.

I called my doc and was able to get an appointment for the 28th.
I'm glad I can go this "early". If this were just any other pregnancy, without my history of the ectopic and losing Dylan, I would have had to wait till 12 weeks.
I'll be 7 weeks on the 28th.

I've been panicking about my symptoms.
I catch myself constantly prodding my breasts to check if they're still sore. Not really ideal to be doing this at the office. I have to remind myself to only do it in the toilet. If I'm not careful, someone will notice....
I'm not nauseous any more. I don't have to pee more. At least I don't think I do.
I am exhausted though. I slept all night last night. Got up at 7 am. Fell asleep on the couch from 8 till 10:30. And took another nap from 12:30 till 2 pm. So yeah, I'm sleeping a lot!!

I'm 5w5d today. I know it's still really early to have full-blown symptoms. I don't remember having them this early with my other pregnancies.

I wish there was something to keep my mind off this. But there isn't.
Being nervous is part of it I guess. Being scared is also part of it.

For now, I have to believe everything is ok. I have to believe it to get to the 28th....

Crazy busy.....and a surprise....

I have been crazy busy the past few weeks.

I thought that with the soccer season being over, school almost being out and it finally being nice weather, we would finally get some time for us. Oh, I was so wrong.
Nice weather means BBQ's with friends, drinks with friends, birthday parties the kids have to go to...... you name it, we've done it.
Don't get me wrong, it's all fun things. But I feel as if I haven't had a free minute to myself in weeks!!

My best friend and I finally went for drinks a couple of weeks ago. It was very awkward at first, but we managed to get it all out there and we had a nice talk. I'm still not quite ok with her being pregnant, but seeing her has made it better. I was making it all worse in my head I think. It will remain difficult for me, but I am now handling it. I think.
She also told me she's having another girl. She already has two girls. So of course she's having another one.
We even went to a high school reunion together two weeks later. We spent hours in the car together and it was ok.
I think we're ok again. I'm sure our friendship will survive this, however difficult it has been and still will be.....

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Now for the surprise:

My period is officially 9 days late today.
I didn't really realize it was late last weekend because my cycle isn't always as it should be. It differs a couple of days each month, so I don't usually think anything of it at first......

At one point last week, I checked my calendar to see when I was supposed to get my period and realized I was late.
Combine that with having a bout of nausea at work and being tired all the time and I started thinking that I may be pregnant. I took naps after work almost every day last week. Yesterday in the shower I noticed that my boobs are filled more (not necessarily bigger, but just filled more than they have been in a while). Oh, and they're a little sore....

I didn't tell T. I wanted to wait and see. I didn't want to get his hopes up.
But then I asked him yesterday to go buy a test because I was a week late and he said "I know". So he's been keeping track of my cycle, but also wanted to wait and see.....

I tested this morning.
That big blue line showed up immediately.
I was pretty much convinced already that it would be positive, with the way I've been feeing lately. But seeing it has made it all real.

And I am FREAKED. Scared shitless.

I'm happy yes, but I don't think I've ever been this scared. I keep thinking what I've been eating the past few weeks and if there was anything I shouldn't have eaten. I had a mojito last weekend, with rum. I was barely a day late and most months that doesn't mean anything at all. But now I worry that I should not have done that....
I will call my doc tomorrow morning and hopefully get an appointment very soon. I need to at least know it's not ectopic. And hope that everything is ok.
And then spend the next 8 months being scared, freaked out, panicked......

How do you handle a pregnancy after a loss?
I've wanted this for so long, but I really don't know how I'm going to handle this. How I'm going to get through the coming months and remain sane.

For now, we're happy. Cautiously so, but happy....

We will have to wait and see what the next few weeks will bring us. I will be using all my wishes to try and make this be a happy ending for us....

Acupuncture

I had this entire post written out about how I was having a bad week, month, day.... I never got around to posting it because it's on my phone and was written while I was at work and I wanted to re-read it at home.

Like I said, I've been having a bad week.
I've had this annoying backache right between my shoulder blades for the last week, maybe even 10 days.
Nothing has helped. And I can't think of anything I did that made me hurt my back.

One of the mom's of L's team mates of his soccer team is an acupuncturist. I've known this for a while, but never actually went to see her.
Until now. I figured if nothing helps my back, maybe she can help me.

I had my appointment tonight. I told her about my back.
She then asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her. I told her we're trying to get pregnant. I told her about losing Dylan. I told her I had an ectopic.

She informed me that my backache is not really a backache, but that it's where all my emotional issues are piling up. Worries about the boys. Emotional stress because I'm still not pregnant. Emotions because I'm still grieving.....

So, after our conversation, I had my first acupuncture session ever.

To tell you the truth, I was a bit freaked because she was going to stick needles in me. But it didn't hurt, thank goodness for that!
The spots where the needles were, started tingling right away. She said that's a good sign.....

I have 2 more appointments next week.
We're going to to try and get rid of my backache, but most of all she wants to help me get my body back in order and get me pregnant soon.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Tomorrow will be a good day and a sad day, all in one.
I will get to spend the day with my two beautiful boys and T. But it will also be a day for me to think about my sweet angel Dylan.

It dawned on me sometime during the past few days that we were supposed to have an almost one-year-old by now.
But we don't. We are still those parents who have lost a child. We are still those parents who grieve over an angel.
This is unnatural. It's not normal for a parent to lose a child.

Yet here we are. And we are not alone.
When I first started blogging, it baffled me how many women are out there who have lost a child, who have lost children.
It made me "feel better" to know I wasn't alone. But it is one of the saddest realizations I have ever had. To know that I am not alone, to know that there are so many of you out there who are grieving for a child, is a horrible thing to know.
I wish I were alone. I wish there weren't so many little angels out there....


Tomorrow we should all be honored.
Those of us who have children. Those of us who are expecting. Those of us who have lost children.
We are all mothers no matter if we are holding our children in our arms or wether they are little angels looking over us....

Happy Mother's Day everyone.
xx

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Happy International Bereaved Mother's Day to everyone out there who has lost a child.

This day was horrible last year, as was Mother's Day the week after.
It hasn't really gotten any easier this year.

I can handle it, I can get through tomorrow without sobbing all day..... But Dylan has been on mind the past few days and will certainly be on my mind tomorrow.

I will spend tomorrow with my two beautiful, healthy boys. I will enjoy every moment with them tomorrow.
Together, we will go visit Dylan. The boys will go see their little brother. We will go see our third son.

I wonder when this will get easier. I wonder if it ever will.

I wonder if I will ever stop missing him......