Blog Hop

This is a post for the Blog Hop hosted by Dandelion Breeze.

The idea is for this BlogHop to be a space to write about, and share, a post about what has helped you along your loss and/or infertility journey... a support service... a friend... a book... a song... a website/forum... any information... anything.

It's a space for you to share with others what has brought you support and.or hope, so that it might help someone else who is new to this roller coaster.. struggling at any stage along the path.. or in need of some fresh ideas.  This can also be a space to reflect on what support you feel you might have missed out on... or to reflect on what made the biggest difference to you at such a difficult time and to remember those that have helped us.

No suggestion is too small or too big...

When I lost Dylan, I was in a daze. I didn't know how to react, what to do. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone with T and the boys. Have my loved ones very close.
Those first couple of days seem surreal now. We spent them in a hospital room. The world outside was very distant to me. My world existed only between those 4 walls.

I started blogging while in the hospital. I don't know why, but I really felt that I had to write down my story. Get it out there. Even if nobody would have read it, it needed to be written down. To make it real I guess. And to make sure I wouldn't forget. I didn't want the memories to fade with time.

I am convinced that blogging has helped me. The writing. But also the support. Every little comment has been important to me. Knowing I am not alone (as horrible as that thought is to me) has gotten me through a lot of this. Knowing that the sadness, the anger, the frustration is normal. That I am normal. Even knowing that being happy again sometimes is normal.
Reading blogs about women who have taken the step to get pregnant again shows me that it is possible to do it after a loss. Seeing their posts about BFP's is wonderful and making me wish to also have that someday.....

A few days after we lost Dylan, we saw an undertaker. We had to bury Dylan and get it organized. She asked us what we wanted to do, how we wanted to do it.....
I had decided that I wanted to do a lot of it myself. I wanted to make a beautiful card, choose songs and texts for during the memorial service.....
So I spent an evening by myself in the hospital doing all of this. I searched the internet for a beautiful poem. I had a beautiful picture of Dylan's feet (they were so perfect) which I used for the card.
T and I looked for songs we wanted to play during the service. We wrote some texts to be read during the service and at the cemetery.

It was incredibly hard to do all of that. But now I am very happy that I decided to do that. I didn't want a generic memorial service or texts. And it wasn't. It was all us. From the beautiful white roses, to the songs and the texts we had written.
The card with Dylan's feet is framed and has a special spot on our chimney. Right between the pictures of us and the kids. Right where Dylan belongs.

Being able to do all of that started my grieving process.
It was my way of saying goodbye. It was my way of saying that I love Dylan and we will not forget him, ever.